Dear Aphro,

I think I’m madly in love with my roommate’s amour. We’re a pretty close trio. Ah!! What do I do?

Please help, Lusting Lucy

Oh, Lucy,

This is an incredibly common and incredibly complicated situation, and you came to the right place. I’ve had crushes on boyfriends, made boyfriends of crushes, been crushed by boy crushes, had crushes with crutches and – you get the idea.

Where were we? Yes, this is an incredibly common and incredibly complicated situation. It’s common because as long as you have friends, you will have overlapping interests in romantic partners. Sure, you and your friends may have opposite taste in people. But the fact that you are friends means that at the very least, you’ll be in the same places at the same times, which means you’ll come across the same people. This may be the first time this has happened to you, but it won’t be the last.

So I can’t make it less common, but perhaps I can make it less complicated. The following is a set of guidelines, with the independent variable being the intensity of le amour:

The amour is a significant other. This situation is off-limits and you know that. It’s called chicks before di—I mean, it’s just, like, the rules of feminism. Seriously, if you start a relationship this way, your friend will resent you, other friends will think you’re whack, and there will just be a general stickiness around the whole thing. If you and Mr. McSteamy really are meant to be, you’ll attract to each other eventually. It’s not worth messing with a friendship to make that happen faster.

The amour is a casual hookup. If your roommate is pretty casual about this guy, you have a little more wiggle room. Do you hang out with him already? It’s ok to develop a friendship, and even some feelings. If McSteamy is finding himself attracted to you, chances are he’ll end things with your roommate on his own. If that happens, leave enough time so there’s a clean break, then be open with your roommate about your developing relationship so it doesn’t seem shady. (Note: If McSteamy doesn’t end things with your roommate, he’s not ready to commit to you, so it’s not worth pushing things.)

The amour is a fantasy. In this case, your roommate is in love with this guy from a distance. Maybe they talk a little. Maybe he doesn’t know her name. But for whatever reason, she’s into him. Now, the truth is that McSteamy is fair game, but that doesn’t mean you can be careless as a friend in pursuing him. Talk to your roommate. Tell her that you’ve secretly been in love with him for a while but were too scared to say anything. (If you need to lie and say your feelings began earlier than they did, do it. It’s about making her feel less bad.) Acknowledge the weirdness! Say you can’t believe that out of all the people you would fall for the same damn one! You guys are friends, so be nice, be open, and trust that your friendship can withstand a little guy drama. I’ve been your roommate in this situation, Lucy, so I can say with confidence that if you and McSteamy do get together, she’ll get over him in a snap.

I’ll end this note with a quote from a friend: “What is meant to be will be.” I do wish you luck!

Hearts and hugs, Aphro <3