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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Geology department orders hit on DIVEST Carleton

Upon further review of the Panama Papers, it was revealed that the Carleton Geology department had contracted a hit on various members of DIVEST Carleton. The papers revealed that a few years ago, when DIVEST carleton had just started, there was a secret Geology alumni meeting on Little St. James island, a known hive of illegal activity. The minutes from this meeting indicate that the Alumni were concerned about DIVEST carleton sapping crucial oil investments from the various companies that the Alumni work for. They made it very clear to the SDAs and professors that the donations that sustain the New Zealand OCS program were at risk if DIVEST were to succeed.

The department was hesitant at first because murder is an awful act, but upon hearing that the New Zealand program was in jeoprady they fell in line, even suggesting creative ways to kill people with rocks such as crushing them and hitting them with rocks tied to sticks.

The money was initially wired to the Physics department, but there were some flaws in the wire transfer order. So like all things that were intended for physics but didn’t cut it, it found its way to the geology department.

The Panama papers also reveal a meeting that occurred in the basement of Comet Ping Pong Pizza in DC where the course GEO 276: Energy Rocks! was proposed. The materials provided by the Oil alumni were Kalamazoo College syllabi from their Petrochemical Engineering program. It also included plans to hire various professors from the local Kwik Trip gas station.

This is highly disturbing, especially in light of Hillary’s email leaks revealing that various alumni in the financial sector met with the economics department at DAVOS to implement ECON 272: Theory of Investment Finance.

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