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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

De Blasio announces end to campaign following CarlDems bean poll

Last Friday, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced the end of his presidential campaign following the release of an unfavorable poll conducted by the Carleton College Democrats. Nearly half of de Blasio’s 57 supporters anxiously awaited the results of the poll at a de Blasio family barbecue. After it was announced that de Blasio’s cup contained zero beans at the conclusion of the poll, the mayor stormed out of the room, angrily muttering something about past problems with beans.

De Blasio’s campaign had been on a downward spiral since he first had the idea to run for president. After being urged not to run by analysts, political strategists, and his immediate family, de Blasio defied the odds by being more forgettable than this election’s other mayor, Pete Buttigeg, despite de Blasio’s jurisdiction over nearly ninety times South Bend’s population. Later in his campaign, de Blasio stumbled as his approval rating fell below the favorability of New York City itself, joining an exclusive group of New Yorkers alongside the president, Rudy Giuliani, and Mel Gibson.

When asked, de Blasio declined to comment on whether he’d be endorsing another candidate, saying “I’ve locked myself in my room and I’m never ever ever coming out.” De Blasio’s mother assured us that “He pulls this kind of shit all the time.” and that “He’ll almost certainly be out in time for dinner.” When asked how he felt about the end of the mayor’s campaign, one New Yorker responded “Who?”

Despite de Blasio’s dedication to stay in the race, his campaign’s end was a surprise to few. His campaign office has already finalized plans to use their ten thousand unsold lawn signs as kindling in a ceremony in which de Blasio says he plans to “burn away his failures” and “emerge reborn as the president this country deserves.” Until de Blasio offers an explanation of this event’s particulars, it’s safe to assume that de Blasio’s presidential hopes have met their end. Many analysts have taken this as a confirmation of the theory that there is only enough room for one old, completely out of touch white guy in the Democratic party.

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