Carleton College's student newspaper since 1877

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Size matters, and the Carletonian is winning


After painstaking research efforts by the Carletonian’s data analytics team (read: me), we have determined that during the 2017-18 academic year, 75 students wrote for the Carletonian. But what does this impressively large number really mean? Read on for a series of extremely logically sound arguments and comparisons that will put the size of this statistic in context.

We have seen that 75 students wrote for the Carletonian last year. In contrast, there are only 30 students who currently play on CUT. Thus, it is abundantly clear where the true influence and prestige lies on Carleton’s campus. The Carletonian eagerly awaits an email from CSA alerting us that our funding will be increased to 2.5 times that of CUT.

Next, we can see from the graph that Weird Al Yankovic’s net worth, expressed in millions of dollars, is 16. While this value is in the doubledigits, it seems decidedly unimpressive when compared to the 75 students who wrote for the Carletonian in 2017-18.

We now move on to look at the number 3.751, my friend’s roommate’s cousin’s GPA. While this dude does seem to be doing pretty well in school, his academic performance pales in comparison to the whopping 75 writers the Carletonian enjoyed last year.

Our sources indicate that the number of Stevie Ps on campus appears to be only one. This number is dwarfed by the Carletonian’s 75 writers. It is obvious where the true power lies at Carleton.

In addition, the number of gods worshipped in monotheistic traditions also comes in at the meager value of one. The divine seems to have little hope of competing with the Carletonian. On a related note, has anyone else noticed the striking similarity between the number of Stevie Ps and the number of gods worshipped in monotheism? Coincidence? I think not!

Finally, we were shocked to discover that the mass of an electron falls at the miniscule value of 9.11 x 10-31 kilograms, more than a million trillion trillion times smaller than the number of students who wrote for the Carletonian last year. We are somewhat concerned that a particle fundamental to the existence of the universe as we know it would measure up so pitifully, but we’re just not going to question it.

Recognizing the groundbreaking importance and extreme impressiveness of this data, we at the Carletonian plan to initiate a campaign to publicize this bar graph as widely as possible.

We will plaster gigantic posters of the graph all over campus (as soon as CSA increases our printing budget).

We will create an enormous, state-of-the-art, threedimensional sculpture of the graph that doubles as a light fixture.

We will then campaign to have it replace the light fixture currently slated to be hung in the new science center.

In closing, I would like to thank Carleton’s quantitative reasoning distribution requirement (which I have completed in full, I’ll have you know) for endowing me with the skills necessary to perform this sophisticated data analysis.

Finally, on a completely unrelated note, the Carletonian no longer recognizes the existence of any numbers greater than 75.

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