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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Four performers we should have at the Cave


Found in a Mankato dumpster at the ripe age of three, John (called Enrique before he was renamed), a naked mole rat, was lovingly re-raised by the local Minnesota band Tiny Moving Parts (TMP). John has always been a musical genius, but the TMP crew helped him reach his true potential. John, through his training and re-upbringing, soon developed connections all across southern Minnesota and created a music scene so drenched with creativity and exploration it rivaled even the Montreal late-‘90s art and experimental rock scene. He is one of the most immediate and foremost musicians of our time and would change Carleton history forever by performing at the Cave.


Though a prodigal musician with, eventually, fans all over the southern Minnesota region, John was, soon after his discovery and branching off, regarded as a musical dilettante, earning the contempt of even those who took the time out of their lives to raise him. John soon held the southern Minnesota music industry in his unclenching, merciless paw, exercising a level of influence and power that would elicit a sense of unbridled terror amongst others in the music industry. Around the same time, TMP frontman Dylan Mattheisen acknowledged the monster they had raised: “I don’t know where we went wrong with him,” Mattheisen said. “John matured into an Corleone-esque insatiable beast hell-bent on exploiting the proletariat and casting his net of musical influence on everybody and anybody in sight. He is a monster and he needs to be stopped.” This all continued until he met Paul (formerly Titus Andronicus), another naked mole rat found in a pizzeria kitchen in Bemidji. Despite his disgusting Bronx Italian accent and being a year younger than John, Paul helped get John back on track and, simultaneously, expanded his sphere of influence into the northern reaches of Minnesota. The two became thick as thieves and began to record music together. Might be even cooler to have both John and Paul perform at the Cave.


George—a naked mole rat, formerly named Zuinglius, discovered by Winona Ryder in Rapid City, South Dakota—grew up in Winona, Minnesota and met John and Paul on one of his annual trips to Taylors Falls, Minnesota (where the pair’s record label and recording studio were based). The trio soon banded together under the name “The Beatles” but always complained the group was missing something: “Bemidji Bemidji Bemidji Bemidji Bemidji Bemidji Bemidji Bemidji Bemidji Bemidji Bemidji,” Paul said—for Paul, a naked mole rat, only knows one word in English and can only communicate with other naked mole rats.


He’s still alive but hands-down the worst Beatle so, actually, we wouldn’t like to have him at the Cave at all.

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