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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

How to NOT make friends

<w, we all have likely acquired people who tolerate us, some “friends,” so to speak. Sometimes, however, it is imperative to understand how to provoke these humans to not enjoy our company and even to entirely render us un-friend-able. I am sure if you are in need of friends, there are many how-to books on making friends and being generally well-liked (stay tuned for my next article). But for those of you who may fall into the category of having too many friends or of genuinely disliking people and being unable to rid yourself of them, please listen closely. These suggestions may never be reprinted again.


  1. See what everyone is doing, do the opposite and then be really insecure about it: We can’t take the Proust way, as Marcel was a dear little man who had many friends and hated nearly all of them. We are aiming for none – even fake ones have to go. So, I suggest to follow my example of Jane. Jane dresses entirely the opposite to everyone around her: all in black with facepaint and cropped hair and crazy big shoes. Already, she alienates herself. Next, she really seems to dislike the person she is, making it rather disagreeable to be around her. Well done, Jane.
  2. Always talk about yourself or never talk: People like, above all else, to talk about themselves. Never let them. Always blabber about yourself and allow no room for verbal penetration (physical is another matter entirely). Soon you will find success! No one wants to talk to you anymore and you can read your philosophy book on solipsism in peace.
  3. Shout out others’ faults to them and then punch them: Alternatively, I present to you this method. It is probably the most direct route to not making friends, but you must use it sparingly because it could get fatiguing and also potentially result in a lawsuit/expulsion.
  4. Have little to no ambition or have a lot of ambition about something that no one cares about: Things no one cares about: your genealogy, how it is better to never consume drugs/alcohol, yours or anyone’s veganism…these things and many more no one cares about.
  5. You can groom when you die: Ahhhh yes, body hair. I myself am a brunette, so you may say, if you are being lavish, that I am blessed with visible eyebrows and noticeable body hair. Unlike some fair-haired folk, if I were left without wax and threads and tweezers, I would certainly have a unibrow and armpit and leg hair and pubic hair many inches long by now. This is very much ideal for our goal here, people. The longer the better. The more a unibrow, the better. In fact, if you can’t grow a unibrow I suggest making one with fake hair. Gluing some pubic hair between your eyebrows or going to Claire’s or Ricky’s for a peal-on mustache and then cutting a chunk off of it and sticking that between your brows would certainly do the trick and may be even more repellent to potential friends than a natural unibrow. However, you must be careful because this makeshift unibrow may actually initiate conversation so you must be smart in your retort and always aim for as mean and as obnoxious as possible. A good “it’s none of your freakin’ business” ought to shut up the interested person and leave them with zero desire to continue any relation with you. Well done! That wasn’t too bad was it?
  6. Personal hygiene shmershonal shygiene: There will always be, no matter how self-obsessed and ugly you are, someone who prizes olfactory delight over physicality and personality. If you smell like a bushel of roses, expect to make some friend or at least interest a distant lover (well, still close enough that they can smell you). Remember: life is too short to fool around with pleasant smells when you have a mission to remain alone and miserable. The key to achieving this goal is and perhaps always will be, unless some torrential bale comes and systematically severs the noses of all present and future humans, to smell bad. Not bad, awful. To reek. If you have any deodorant in your house at the moment I recommend tossing it out IMMEDIATELY. You will certainly be too tempted to put a little on if not for future friends, but for yourself. NO! Indeed it may help you to imagine you are a peasant from the Middle Ages. During the time that Charlemagne ran about with a bunch of stinky sexy Vikings on crazy little horses and slaughtered people for land, you were there in a hut made of excrement watching the days of your 25-year-long lifespan trickle past like droplets on a windshield. Medieval people certainly would find it difficult to make friends in the current era for positively one reason: they smelled horrid. Please take heed of these folks’ lifestyle and absolute lack of personal hygiene, and follow the following steps:
Never shower/bathe
Never use perfume/deodorant (after all: Wast ist “deodorant”?)
Avoid swimming (unless in a mud bath)
Poop wherever, whenever, on whomever
If you menstruate, avoid tampons or pads (they haven’t been invented yet!)
  7. Take yourself far too seriously: How unappealing is it to look upon each of your actions as if they were the start of a domino effect for evil or good? Pretty f-ing annoying.
  8. Make sure you make nearly everyone you talk to feel like they have to apologize or feel bad about something
  9. Analyze your good features and then systematically destroy them: I’ll let you figure out to what measure you are willing to take this point, and I personally deflect all responsibility back to you if you literally sever an eyeball and then decide to blame me for it. You can also work the surface of your skin with various expired make-ups, this method may have less irreversible side effects.
  10. Save your good mood for never: Leave absolutely no room for altruism. Zip. The most wretched, depressing, soul-eating outlook you can have on your life is by far the more successful route to accomplishing our venerable goal. There have been several people I’ve had the absolute misery of coming across in my travels that might be known colloquially as “Debbie Downers”: in other words, incessant complainers. When there is nothing to say, say something negative. But be careful. There is a certain level of this cynicism and judgment that can be considered “cool” and humorous. We must avoid this type of complaining at all costs. Being a generally optimistic person, I find it personally helpful to have some go-to complaints when there is a silence or better yet, when there isn’t. No one wants to be friends with the person who throws a wet blanket on their fiery fun by venturing some gloomy remark. Here are some complaints to store the perfect moment:
You should’ve brushed your teeth this morning
This would be more fun if you guys weren’t such nonners
UGH! My feet are still slippery bc I didn’t take the oil off from when I rubbed them sensually this morning – What? Do you think I have some sort of foot thing or something? Wow, I thought people here were more welcoming and also rubbing your feet is really good for blood flow so have fun getting peripheral artery disease, you fat scum.
  11. As seen above, Always make it personal: Don’t take this personally, but *insert a statement that is impossible to not take personally here*. No one likes that.
  12. Lie when absolutely unnecessary: you will make so many friends with this technique!
  13. Believe in yourself. If you believe you deserve to die alone and loveless, you will act accordingly: Yes, belief in yourself is fundamental. There are a sprinkling of folks who should be canonized for their winsome and relentless efforts to befriend and consider friends the utter trash of the planet that you will become with my thirteen tips and tricks. As we are allegedly “social” animals, some may feel sorry for you for your friendlessness. Well, the trick’s on them! You’ve constructed a rouse, a magnificent feat of method acting that has formulated the precise outcome at which you’ve aimed. Few have such success in their earthly endeavours.


I commend you in advance, whoever you are, for such commitment. I know how ignoble – indeed, illegal – squalid, impertinent, and sordid you had to become to get to your state of solitude. You may relish in this place as long as you’d like, but if one day you do want to make a friend or two, don’t act on your instincts. Coming up soon will be my tips on How to Make Friends Like a Boss From a Boss, so stay tuned.

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