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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Realizing You Are Going to Hell and Accepting It

<e you all are dying to know.

According to Hieronymus Bosch in his infamous, innovative, ingenious, another-word-that-starts-with-“in” painting, The Garden of Earthly Delights, Hell is depicted as an odious, populous fire-wasteland of intense, everlasting human suffering. I think the same goes for descriptions of Hell in a certain book – I think it’s the Bible.

But back to the painting. Bosch very literally illustrates a bird-rat-man hybrid eating a human (who is defecating some black crows) while sitting on a sort of highchair over a circular pit and defecating various humans into a pit alongside another creature defecating what seems to be gold coins. So first things first, there are a lot of bowel movements happening in Hell. Not to mention puking and being devoured. I wouldn’t mind visiting, but staying? For ever? No thanks.

Unfortunately, seeing as I don’t believe in Hell, paradoxically, my chances of going there augment. Not just augment, solidify. More unfortunate is the fact that all non-Christians as well are going to descend one of these days into the gaping hole of Beelzebub’s crib with all the other sinners shuffling along nodding despondently and mumbling wistfully: I guess this whole thing is real after all. What a drag. And how long did the guy in the black hood say? Forever? Can’t we do something? No? I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a little extreme.

Extreme? We were warned, weren’t we? I think it is safe to say that we all in some respect have become familiar with the chic Western convention of binaries: black-white, woman-man, gay-straight, heaven-hell. How joyous it is to inhabit such a categorized, compartmentalized social structure! We know exactly what to do and whom to do, or *sirens wail*

Well maybe that was a little extreme, but on the other hand, maybe not.

Point is, I have laid out the ontology of our society and how it’s a major bummer. Now we can more comfortably state that due to the accelerating trajectory of atheism (and less stringent social identifiers) and the dwindling belief in Christianity, the entrance to Hell for most of us is a matter of time. (I did wait FOUR hours to see the Pope once though, which was, in one word, orgasmic). No ETA can be given for death, unless you were to take care of it yourself, in which case even if you were a Christian, you’re going to Hell too (see Hamlet’s central dilemma encapsulated in his little “to be or not to be” spiel. Thank you Shakespeare for offering this dope-ass, literary reference, and also for the word eyeball).

In one sentence: you’re going to Hell.

The classic technique to digesting unpleasant news is letting it sit for awhile. Maybe do some research to prepare your body to accept its eternal torment. Consider visiting the website pasted here for your convenience: After answering a series of questions, this site will let you know what level of Hell you are going to. I think I’m either 6 or 7. Basically the higher the number, the more you suck. Traitors suck the most. (I feel like I’m writing rules for some prepubescent all-boy’s Lord of the Flies-esque war game. Hah, they were all going to Hell).

In conclusion, educate yourself for the most direct road to final acceptance. Acceptance is a curious sentiment, certainly not fully somatic, but also not fully subliminal. You might just feel a general calmness regarding your impending doom, which will ostensibly cure you of this devilish preoccupation and let you get along with life already. Cuz, hell, it’s the only one you’ve got.

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