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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

How to survive the common cold

<rleton students slumped their way through this week, the common cold snuck into our reading spaces, our classrooms and even the Bald Spot itself. I myself am sick while I write this, and I do dearly hope that my cold will not contagiously transcend the 4th wall between writer and reader. Coughing and sniffling and muddling the SHAC online mailbox with a list of symptoms all inevitably showing signs of imminent death, I thought it might be appropriate to provide our readers in similar situations with a list of age-old remedies to combat the Common Cold at Carleton College. While I am not a doctor, I do believe that this list is sufficient to cure all minor illnesses:

“An apple a day will keep the doctor away.” Eat 1,000,000 apples a day and never sniffle again…..because you’ll have arsenic poisoning.

Don’t forget to get lots of rest. That means at least 25 hours of sleep everyday. 

Spend at least an hour every day scribbling the letter “C” in different fonts across your notebook pages. Soon Vitamin C will enter through your fingertips and boost your immune system. 

Dabbing while coughing/sneezing has been scientifically proven to relieve coughs in less than 30 days.

For the cutting-edge among us, tissues are old news. Bon appetit napkins are the new Kleenex and SO much cooler.

As soon as you start showing signs of being sick, promptly begin to generously share all your food and drink with your roommates and friends. Everything is more fun together!

When your loving roommate comes to wake you up in the morning for class, cough gently into your hand and announce you are sick. As soon as your roommate leaves, you borrow your friend’s father’s prized 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California Spyder and drive into Chicago with Cameron and Sloane. In the heat of the moment, you decide to join a Von Steuben Day parade and lip-sync to “Twist and Shout” by the Beatles. All the while, you are escaping truancy threats by your school’s Dean of Students. Who said being “sick” can’t be an adventure?!

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