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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

A Eulogy for my GPA


Thank you for joining me today. We are gathered here to celebrate the life and death of my Grade Point Average, which tragically passed away at 8 AM on Wednesday, November 30th, 2016, at the exact time which my Psychology and Evolution grades were due. It is really unfortunate that we cannot round up to the nearest integer, otherwise it may still be alive and here today. My GPA had a long and happy life, always living life to the fullest.

My GPA and I have a long history together, going back to nearly seven years ago during the glory times in high school, where minimal effort was required. I was able to just sit in class, and my GPA took care of itself. It was always very independent of me, ending up with a 4.0 every term. It was the least of my worries, never causing me stress, or panic, or leading me to pull crazy stunts such as all nighters to protect it. For that, I considered my GPA my best friend.

But nothing is forever, and all good times must come to an end. In June of 2014, my GPA left the idyllic pastures of high school, where it could roam and graze freely, and transitioned with me to Carleton College, a toxic, frozen wasteland where survival means you betray all you hold dear, your morals, values, and friends. I had to make difficult choices once I got here to protect my GPA, and my mental, physical, and social health was the direct recipient of my actions.

It was a tumultuous seven terms for my GPA. It rode through the highs and battled through the lows like a true warrior, only to succumb to its wounds after a heroic two and a half year struggle. My GPA and I had a rocky time together during the past seven terms, but it never gave up on me. It may have brought me tears and nervous breakdowns when I had to open my grades at the end of each term. It also may have caused me panic, and anxiety, and stress, and led to me pull three all night marathons in a row at one point during 10th week. But, despite all this, I still loved it, because it gave me everything and built my character.  

My GPA made my life and this world a better place. Without it, the world will never be the same. I am thankful for its presence during the past seven terms, and I will miss it dearly. I wish it a peaceful slumber and hope it will never haunt me in my life after Carleton.

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