<urus: Tomorrow, you will spot your crush serving up some hot, hot food at LDC. Finally, the chance to exchange the awkward small talk you’ve been waiting for! However, you discover that your crush is exclusively serving mashed rutabaga. You are forced to turn away because who tf even eats that.
Gemini: The squirrel you “accidentally” ran over on your bike during fall term will soon get revenge. On January the 24th, you will be pelted with a storm of acorns as you head to your Spanish TA session.
Cancer: On February the 12th, just as things were starting to look up for you on your intramural basketball team, your captain announces you did not make the traveling team for the second week in a row. WHY? Your parents may have to get involved.
Leo: Sunday morning. 1 am. You throw up in Sayles alone.
Virgo: During 6th week, you finally decide to come out of hibernation from your Burton single only to realize that it is still winter. Consequently, your friends discover that you were not, in fact, abroad.
Libra: Nothing bad will happen to you this entire Winter Term. Straight ballin’. Fall birthdays rock.
Scorpio: The stars will align in such a way on February the 3rd that they will suck you into their gravitational field and you will suddenly fly off the planet. Oh no…
Sagittarius: On March the 2nd, you’ll open up your mailbox, which has been collecting dust these past terms to find that, yes, finally something is there! You’ve been invited to your greater Tri State Area’s Carleton alumni gathering.
Capricorn: On February the 20th, you finally decide that the giant heap growing in your closet should be washed. As you put all your clothes in, you will fail to notice the bright pink tie-dye t-shirt lurking at the bottom of the washer. It will come as a terrible shock to find your favorite white Patagonia better sweater is not white anymore.
Aquarius: On January the 28th, you’ll be coming home to Burton after a long snowy day. It’s freaking freezing outside. Consequently, you’re bundled up in four jackets with your skis in one hand, your skates in the other, and your hockey stick under one arm, and have decided to cut through Sayles to avoid the cold. Upon reaching the door to Burton, you remember that your OneCard is in your pocket. Unfortunately, you don’t remember which pocket so you begin the long process of unloading various winter equipment, unzipping layers and various hideaways. By the time you’ve located your OneCard, a line of fifty two has formed behind you (including Stevie P himself). You must hold the door. For every. Single. Person.
Pisces: On March the 6th, you will really have to poop in the libe. Unfortunately the only bathroom available will be on 1st. #APlopHeardAroundTheWorld.
Aries: Being that you are incredibly awesome, just like your Libra brethren, you will have a perfect term. Because you’re awesome. Keep rockin’.