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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Confidential: Res Life Housing for the Winter

<ir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-085ad54f-0cfe-97cb-b739-bb7525b5a517">Ah, the Carleton College Class of 2020. Since last spring when word spread of how enormous the incoming freshman class was, the big question among students was how on earth Res Life would accommodate everyone. Luckily, fall term saw a high number of students study abroad. But this winter, they return.

As the Nellie Bly of Carleton, I have knowledge of the plans Res Life has for when our little globe-trotting knights return from their psych courses in Prague and environmental studies in New Zealand. Revealing this confidential information could potentially kick me out of this prestigious institution, but the risk is worth it. Here are the plans:

For any of you in dorms considered crappy by the general student body, I’m terribly sorry. A Musser single will now turn into a double and a Watson triple will become a quad. A handful of rooms will even add two or three more occupants. I introduce the first ever Goodhue quint. Any sense of personal space? Forget it.

Develop some new housing options. Yes, Res Life is constructing tree forts for students in the Arb. They are currently collecting the leaves for this project. Who cares about the Minnesota cold this winter?

Transform other rooms into dorm rooms. This means adding cots to those amazing Cassat showers. Whenever one of your beloved floormates wants to wash, you either have to leave or just awkwardly remain there. The same goes with the Cassat study rooms and lounges. Basically, every single room in Cassat will now work as a student living area. This will even apply to the dorms with less amazing accommodations. I don’t know how it’s physically possible to sleep in a Musser shower, but Res Life will find a way.

Make the president’s house a student residence. Students will like this plan, as that house is, well, fantastic. Sorry, Stevie P, your house is just too much space going unused. You, your wife and Zola will still have a room or two for yourselves, but everything else is territory for a bunch of 18-22 year-olds.

So, to those of you abroad right now, are you unhappy with what Res Life has in store for you? You can qualify for Northfield Option either by being a senior or getting married. We should all at least try in the efforts for reasonable rooms this winter, as you cannot pay me enough money to sleep in a fort in the snow.

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