Carleton College's student newspaper since 1877

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Stress Bragging: Tips & Tricks

<ir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-97c4df5f-c449-701f-8a5e-325f1fcfbadb">It’s that time of year. The nights are getting cooler, Halloween is creeping up on us, the pumpkin-white-chocolate-mocha-latte-venti-etc. has made an appearance at Sayles. What season is it? Prime stress-bragging season. As fifth week and all of its joyful midterms draw to a close, it’s begun to ramp up and will draw to an astonishing finale around finals. Then this cycle will go on to repeat itself year after year after year, presumably forever until there is a definitive winner of all stress. I hear they get a plaque.

To get everyone in shape so they can be at their full potential, I have prepared a list of tips and tricks to win at stress-bragging competitions.

  1. Know your enemy. One might believe that talking about what’s stressing you out amongst friends is just simple, amicable conversation. No. If you’re going to win, you must get out of this frame of mind. You no longer have friends; you only have someone claiming how much more stressed they are than you. Now you have the advantage. You can use knowledge of their schedule against them by subtly trivializing their own hobbies.
  2. Be sympathetic. While stress bragging is asserting your right to be the only person stressed, you can disguise your ruthless tactics by showing sympathy to the other person. Poor sweetie, they only think they’re stressed. Show them they’re wrong, but gently.
  3. Exaggerate. Did you really spend all night writing that paper? No. If you say you did, is there anyone to contradict you? No. The trick here is to make sure that you don’t exaggerate too much and that any exaggerations you make can’t be proven false. And don’t over use exaggeration, it is a special tool.
  4. Make stuff up. Use this only as a last resort. While exaggeration doesn’t require that much finesse, lying about your commitments does, because those are actually verifiable. When using this technique, which is really only for experts, make sure you base it in truth. Have you gone to one meeting at the beginning of term? Turn that into a dedication of your life to that club. Have you ever taken a walk? Your avid fitness schedule really eats into your time.

Hopefully these will aid you on your quest to be the most stressed person at Carleton. Because we all know stress only counts in comparison to everyone else.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

All The Carletonian Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *