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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Your horoscope for the week: what’s in store?

<ir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-34ec28cd-63f1-f5c1-2975-84207a1e946f">Aries:

Congrats, you’re not going to fail your midterms! The stars are totally aligned in your favor. Pack up your books from the Libe, you won’t need them. Instead, take a mini holiday on the Bald Spot and hope the alignment stays like this forever!


Be careful! Your Sayles dollars are very quickly diminishing because you have no self control. Don’t know how to budget yourself? Me neither!


You might get a Friday flower from a secret admirer, but I’m also not a real astrologer so don’t count too much on it.


Your life might be crumbling apart right now but you’ll get a visit from Lyman soon and that’s all that matters.


(just put a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio with his Oscar in here)


Despite a mostly mellow week, you will be sexiled this weekend. Time to virGO find another place to stay at soon.


You feel yourself getting more swoll, but it’s actually only from carrying all the weight of your responsibilities. Don’t fret, getting emotionally swoll is very important too!


You suddenly crave mandarin oranges at breakfast only to realize they’re not even there. Treat yourself and buy 50 whole cans of them. Now is also a good time to learn to be kind – the universe wants you to put 2 of them into P.O 1219.


Much smoke and fumes obscures your future. Stay away from the panini press and the microwave – you don’t want to set off the fire alarm after already setting my heart on fire.


If you have a good room draw number, be wary of people you just met already claiming to be best friends with you (Do they even know your star sign?). They might want you for your good looks and dashing personality, but they might also want that town house quint.


You’re feeling pretty existential this week. But that’s ok, because we truly are so small in this universe and nothing really matters!


You’re still not over the art of Beyoncé’s Lemonade, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

A real prediction for all the zodiac signs:

This week might or might not be rough, but don’t forget to take care of yourself and eat and breathe!!! You are loved.

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