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Every week, security sends the ‘Tonian a briefing of the doings of Carleton’s generally heroic security officers, and we print it on the second page. Most of the reports are about putting out fires and helping injured or intoxicated students, but occasionally, the blotters produce some true comedy gold. This is a selection of the term’s best.
Best low-key burns:
Tuesday, March 24 4:24 am: Security responded to a residence hall for a fire alarm. A smoking item was removed from the microwave and extinguished in the sink. The unidentifiable item did not appear to belong to any of the five main food groups.
Sunday, May 3 1:05 am: A fire alarm was reported at Watson Hall. A piece of paper on a stove burner in a lounge had ignited and had been quickly extinguished before Security arrived. Tiny fire.
Best serving of justice:
Friday April 10 8:48 pm: Someone placed a prank call to Security. Security responded to the person’s room to discuss the prank call.
Friday, May 7 10:40 pm: A plant was taken from the planter near the vending machines in Sayles by a group of students who showed up quite clearly on the surveillance video, as did the good samaritan students who returned it.
Happiest endings:
Friday, April 10 9:55 am: Security assisted a person looking for a lost friend. The friend was found and all ended well.
Tuesday, April 13 3:05 pm: Two students in a canoe on the Cannon River fell out of the canoe. Security transported one wet student to their residence hall and one wet student to the SHAC.
Most relatable crime:
Friday, April 17 4:15 am: A staff member reported seeing people entering the Burton kitchen area through a window. Security encountered three male suspects attempting to leave with food items. Suspects were identified.
Most representative of the college experience in general:
Monday, April 19 3:40 am: Security assisted two intoxicated students. One had lost his clothes and the other had lost his way. Neither required medical attention.
Best-natured complaintant:
Thursday, April 23 8:20 pm: A student called to request assistance to be extricated from an uncooperative elevator in Watson Hall. The Northfield Fire Department assisted Security in freeing the concerned but good natured captive.
Best forehead vs. wall battles:
Saturday, May 9 1:20 am: Security assisted a student whose forehead had battled the underside of the CMC stairway and had lost.
Saturday, May 9 10:50 pm: Security assisted another student whose forehead had lost a battle with some concrete in an undisclosed but later discovered location at Boliou.
Weirdest crime:
Thursday, April 9 12:45 am: Security found all the doors on the west side of the Weitz Center propped open. Camera footage was able to assist us in finding the person that propped the doors.
Most obviously lying culprit:
Monday, April 2 1:00 am: Security responded to an off campus house for a fire alarm. A student that was falling, stopped falling, when they grabbed a fire alarm pull station, causing the fire alarm to go off. No fire.