This week, College President Alison Byerly, often referred to by students as “Ally B,” was replaced by a nearly identical “Ally C.”
Community members became suspicious on Friday, May 8, when the president was spotted with her bangs askew. Two days later, the switch was confirmed in a community-wide email from Ally C with the subject line “Things are going to look a little different around here.”
In the email, which uncharacteristically included several typos and bountiful emojis, the president announced her new identity and told community members not to worry about the change, saying, “You won’t even notice the difference. Don’t be weird about it. No, you’re a lizard!”
Despite Ally C’s reassurance, some students remain uncomfortable with the unexplained switch.
“Yesterday, while I was on a walk in the Arb, I saw Ally C pacing back and forth while muttering ‘I hate Victorian literature’ over and over. I just really don’t think that’s an appropriate way for the college president to spend her working hours. I don’t know what Ally B spent her days doing, but I’m pretty sure she never did stuff like that,” said a Carleton junior who asked to remain anonymous because they are frightened by Ally C’s “ominous vibe.”
In an interview with the Carletonian, Ally C said that this concern is unwarranted.
“Ominous vibe? I have no idea what that student’s talking about. And I’ve always hated the Victorian era. Everyone knows my specialty is Gothic,” she said.
Following this comment, Ally C became visibly annoyed by the tweeting of a nearby robin, remarking, “I’ve always despised the ignorant egotism of songbirds.” After unsuccessfully swatting at the bird a few times, Ally C’s pupils expanded, turning the whites of her eyes pitch black. She then opened her mouth impossibly wide and swallowed the bird whole.
When asked about this interaction, Ally C laughed a deep throaty laugh and said, “Go ahead and write this in your little paper. Nobody will ever believe you.”
Other community members feel that concerns surrounding the transition from Ally B to Ally C are overblown.
“I really don’t see this as abnormal,” said Carleton professor and previous college president Stevie Q.
History Professor Bill South echoed Stevie Q’s statements, saying that students need to stop worrying about the change and that they were imagining things.
“Students need to calm down, take some deep breaths and get some sleep,” Bill South said. “I, for one, am heading to bed right now. I’ve decided that I’m going to be ending my office hours at 5:00 p.m. from now on.”
In the week following her unexplained transformation, Ally C has implemented several bold changes: On May 11, she announced plans to move the president’s office from the first floor of Laird to a lovely pit of treasure she dug herself in the basement of the CMC; on May 12, she announced a new Unsustainable Futures Framework to combat the previous Sustainable Futures Framework; and on May 13, she announced plans to wage “war on the humanities.”
“I don’t know how to feel,” said one anonymous sophomore. “She looks the same as Ally B, but something about her policies are starting to rub me the wrong way.”
Many students have been won over, however, by Ally C’s promise to “build a cooler Carleton.” She is kick-starting this initiative by hosting a party in Nutting House. This announcement was also communicated through a community-wide email.
“Students should know that Nutting House is throwing this weekend, so everyone needs to Venmo five dollars to CarlPrezAllieC for beverages,” the email read. “I’m serious about the five dollars; I’m going to get Carleton Security to stand at the front door to check everyone’s Venmo receipt before they can come in. If you try to get in without paying, I’ve given the security officers special orders so they’re allowed to chase students now. And I’ve provided them with rollerskates to do it on. Sorry-not-sorry to any clubs who wanted that cash for their budget.”