It’s that time of the year again: this weekend, Carleton’s six ultimate teams hosted Alumni Weekend, and what felt like millions of frisbee alums descended in a massive horde on Duerr fields clad in their cultish tattoos, sandals, and unceasing CUT merch. As always, alums arrived unafraid to wreak havoc on campus. Carleton’s disc golf course always draws much attention from the alumni, and this year was no different. 

Last year, alums interrupted a number of important events on campus while playing disc golf, launching a frisbee through a grief-counseling session at SHAC, smashing an Anderson glass wall during a biology final, and throwing a frisbee through the Weitz at just the right angle to knock out the projector and ruin all the CAMS comps presentations.

This year, Pou Pyng ‘28 reported with horror that a frisbee had whizzed through the open bathroom window in his stall on Grevans right after he had hit the LDC burrito bar. Another alum aimed at the couple cuddling on the Anderson couches with matching sandals, which no one really complained about. 

The Goodhue basket resulted in a number of freak accidents: one alum struck a couple of the savage geese that haunt the sidewalk with their young and was subsequently attacked, disappearing into a swirl of grey feathers. Another alum aiming at the Goodhue basket laid out on the sidewalk, knocking a freshman off his bike, leading to a 20-bike freshman pile up near the intersection at Goodhue.

Other students smelled something even riper than the typical turkey poop and rotting cornfields combination, realizing the aroma emanated from men ranging in age between 25 and 60 walking barefoot through Sayles. 

Mysteriously, in the past week campus has seen an exponential rise in reported pink eye cases, the highest since this exact week last year. It begs the question, did the alums bring it with them, or was the campus just physically rejecting their presence?