Since the third week or so of this term, Dumsie Day ’27 has been troubled by dreams and even waking visions of the burning and destruction of Carleton’s campus. She initially kept her concerns largely to herself, but recently, there have been murmurings spreading across campus predicting acid rain that will soon explode from the water tower, and the giant creature that will erupt from the ground under Hastenstab to devour every political science major.
Initially, Day did the right thing and sought out advice from counselor Tera Piste at Student Health and Counseling (SHAC), complaining of the incredibly vivid dreams she had and even the visions that caused her to faint throughout the day and even in class. While the counselor initially expressed concern and wanted Day to consider talking to the nurse about medication, when Day mentioned that she kept seeing an image of Nutting House being crushed by a giant acorn, Ms. Piste suddenly jumped up and said, “yes, I have seen it,” and committed herself to spreading the word of Day’s visions across campus.
Quickly, a group of students, faculty, and staff began followingDay. Professor Sonja Anderson even invited Day to guest lecture at her RELG 322: Apocalypse How? course, excited to hear about Carleton’s role in the middle of it all. While Day was resistant at first, and still expressed some hesitation about what could be causing her visions, she quickly leaned into it when professors interested in her cause (and specifically in making it to Heaven in the aftermath) started reaching out with unsolicited reference letters.
Things came to a grinding halt for the Day last week at dinner, however, when she was sitting at the former track table with her new cult. As Day went to sip water from her Owala, the only receptacle she ever drank from, she found that the straw was detached. When Day unscrewed the cap to reinsert the straw, she noticed that suspicious black mold was growing in the straw, and the cap didn’t look too good either. Day put her Owala away,and resolved to clean it when she returned to her dorm.
On Saturday morning, Day woke up, sipped water from her newly cleaned and de-molded Owala, and suddenly felt her brain magically restored. It became immediately clear to her that the destruction of this campus and world would not occur Week Seven Friday as forecasted, and not for many years to come either. She reached out to The Carletonian to publish this article in order to effectively spread the message of the dissolution of her organization to all concerned parties.
