After the Carleton Democrats hosted a fundraising party on campus last weekend, which involved a $5 cover fee begrudgingly paid by students who had already braved the subzero temperatures and were too determined for their weekly schmoozing to turn back, let alone re-climb the hill they just slipped down, the mystified board of Carleton Conserves reported they received an astronomical funding increase.
“It’s simply astonishing,” said a Carleton Conserves board member, who requested anonymity for fear of retribution by CarlDems. “We really had no idea Carleton’s student body was so passionate about jamming fruits. I mean, we’ve been keeping our projects pretty simple so far, things like making strawberry and grapefruit spreads, but with this much money we could really take our stuff to the next level! We’re even considering multi-fruit jams!”
“It just felt like the right thing to do,” said one student who made a sizable donation to Carleton Conserves. “I thought I was woken, but come on, $5?? I could have walked the three miles to Starbucks and bought a venti Barbie Wicked Unicorn Mermaid Caramel Mocha Frappuccino with that $5 instead. So of course I donated $50,000 to Carleton Conserves. Like, say what you want about politics or current affairs or human rights or yadda yadda, but really, this whole thing is making me consider which side I really am on. We have to show CarlDems that the affordability of our social functions is of utmost priority to us. I feel my action was very democratic, personally.”
In a follow-up email, The Carletonian clarified to the interviewed student what Carleton Conserves was for. The student did not reply.
When asked how Carleton Conserves planned to use the new increased budget, the board member responded, “I honestly don’t know—I don’t think any of us really planned to spend $100,000 on fruit jams, but sky’s the limit! We’re currently discussing adding gold leaf and caviar to all of our jams and donating them to Bon Appetit, so that students can enjoy them on their waffles and stale bagels.”
