In a notice in the Carleton Today newsletter, Her Majesty the President Alison R. Byerly announced a set of sweeping changes to be made in the interest of “campus patriotism and loyalty to the true values of our school, modeled chiefly by myself and my historic reign.” First among these changes is the renaming (and rapid relabeling) of Laird Hall, currently the home of the English department as well as the offices of the President and Provost, to Byerly-Laird Hall.
Laird already stands at an impressive height and is guarded by a moat of stairs so icy that few sneaker-footed students have dared to try and summit them, much less reach the top. Indeed, those students that frequent Laird are among those least likely to wear or even own sneakers, which keeps the casualty rate low. The exclusivity of the building, its winding staircase and its third floor that goes to nowhere was not enough for Madame President to think it fit for her home, she said, and thus changes were needed.
The first of these changes were to encase the entire front of the building in gold. This action required a good bit of demolition, much to the chagrin of faculty and staff trying to access the building over break, but Byerly enumerated its importance in her newsletter.
“Our colors are maize and blue, but what even is maize anyway? Isn’t that something you get stuck in at a fall fair? Well, now that Byerly-Laird is gold, you are NEVER going to get stuck on campus trying to look for it. WIN! We’re going to win so much this term. Those other colleges, they laugh at us. They laugh that their president doesn’t have a gold office. Well, who’s laughing now?”
A litany of other changes is to be rolled out from the President’s Strategic Plan, also known as Project 2026. In the coming months, all OneCards will be required to have Byerly’s face printed on them, and any obstruction of her portrait will result in the student’s record of Sayles purchases immediately being sent to their friends and family. Additionally, one student from every dorm will have the opportunity to enter into a bang-trimming contest, where they can compete to best replicate Byerly’s famous hairdo for a grand prize of an AI-generating painting of Carleton’s President being ordained as Pope by Cardinal Dean Carolyn Livingston. Finally, President Byerly announced the triumphant return of the currency known as “Byerly Bucks,” not just to Sayles and Schulze, but also to the cafes downtown, which she intends to annex this year.
Several figures on campus have come out against these shifts in presidential power. College Chaplain Rev. Schuyler Vogel spoke out in his weekly newsletter, saying “This is a scary time for us all. It is with a heavy heart that I witness our campus come to place President Byerly as royalty, above all others, not to be challenged or questioned. This is mostly because we were supposed to be royalty together. Do you remember when the Clap called us BOTH campus royalty? Do you remember that Instagram reel?”
Byerly responded in a late-night campus announcement tirade, writing: “LEFTIST ‘Chaplain’ Schuyler WOKE-el is UPSET that I decided to make some changes around here without asking him first. SAD! He should remember that I AM the PRESIDENT and NOT HIM. If he gets RED carpet in his OFFICE, I should get a GOLD BUILDING! It’s only FAIR!”
Byerly is expected to address the college tomorrow as she intends to rid BonApp of so-called “low-test” vegan options and instead “let them try their hand at cooking steak again,” because that always goes so well.
