By now, most people know that Paris’s Louvre Museum was robbed over Carleton’s midterm break weekend. Among the missing items were a number of French jewels, necklaces and earrings. None of this is shocking or clearly connected to Carleton in any way. The timing, though, of the robbery happening on midterm Sunday is strange. Especially given The Louvre’s full list of missing items — a list that also includes one 18th century French microscope. While the disappearance has been less publicized, as jewel thievery seems more significant to many readers, the microscope is a rarity that any collector would treasure.

And this is where the questions begin. Who chose this weekend for Carleton’s midterm break, anyway? Everyone was sick. President Alison Byerly, in fact, was a bit under the weather, and unable to attend several key parents’ weekend events on Sunday. Two Instagram feed posts on Saturday from her give the impression of full attendance throughout the weekend, but is that really the case? And what are she and her husband smiling about in their selfie? Surely not our football team…

Questions aside, this newspaper is here to report fact, not fiction. Fact: President Byerly seemed tired during her tabling at Sayles on Tuesday, like one who had just been travelling. Second fact: The President’s Assistant, JennyPexa, was seen picking up a first-class La Poste box from the College mail room late on Monday afternoon. Third fact: the First Gentleman of the College, Steven Jensen, has a birthday coming up (a big one). 

While most of this evidence is quite circumstantial, the robbery from The Louvre did occur during the museum’s open hours, and there were several eyewitnesses present. The Carletonian was able to work with the Parisian police in order to get in touch with eyewitnesses, and frankly, some of the facts they shared made our editors’ blood run cold. One Frenchwoman, Ba Gette, had described “one thief of the group, strangely, when she should have been escaping, stopped in front of a case of early 20th century French women’s multi-piece skirt suits, the one in the front was stripey and the jacket had a belt, and she had this wistful look…then she ran back to the window and climbed out.” Another French person, Chris Ant, explained “I was taking my daughter to see the Mona Lisa, but she got distracted by the jewels, and then the commotion. It was very stressful. As a father, I was extremely concerned about safety. However, as a professional hairdresser, I couldn’t help but get closer — one of the robbers, who had a mask over the lower half of her face, had these incredible… what’s the English word…bangs.”