Last week, white smoke containing potassium chlorate, lactose, rosin and cardinals’ farts funneled out of the Sistine Chapel, signalling the election of a new pope. Robert Prevost, now Pope Leo XIV, is originally from the south side of Chicago. Carleton’s close ties to the Chicago area (over 75% of the student body attended New Trier) allowed Carletonian writers to gain special access to a one on one meeting with the newly elected Pope. Writers chose to ask the Pope numerous questions about his Midwest connection, specifically about his thoughts on different aspects of Chicago culture.
The Carletonian conducted a productive meeting with newly elected Pope Leo XIV to better understand his Midwest connection and learned invaluable information about his cultural ties.
Interviewer: “What are your thoughts on Chief Keef?”
Pope: “Chief Keef est unus ex principibus musici artifices nostri temporis. Aestimabo eius musicalitatem et lyrica ingenium. Mea carissima ex eius carminibus includit ‘Hate Bein’ Sober’ et ‘3Hunna’. Ego etiam fautor cupcakKe, praesertim eius carminis ‘Aura’ et ‘Cpr’.”
Translation: “Chief Keef is one of the leading musical artists of our time. I appreciate his musicality and lyrical genius. My favorite of his songs include “Hate Bein’ Sober” and “3Hunna”. I am also a supporter of cupcakKe, specifically her songs “Aura” and “Cpr.””
Interviewer: Is Obama hot?
Pope: “Quotiescunque Barack Obama video, quasi WIAF. Tam pulcher est. Michelle scit quid sit.”
Translation: “Every time I see Barack Obama I’m like WOWZA. He is so fine. Michelle knows what’s up.”
Interviewer: “How do you feel about the Packers?”
Pope: “Credo in pace mundi pro omnibus nisi pro iis qui habitant in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Fortasse habetis plures Super Bowls sed maledicti sint Packers. Pondera Ferre.”
Translation: “I believe in world peace for everyone except for those who live in Green Bay, WI. You may have more Super Bowls but screw the Packers. Bear Down.”
Interviewer: Does ketchup belong on a hot dog?
Pope: Aquellos que ponen salsa de tomate en sus perritos calientes merecen un lugar especial en el infierno.
Translation: “Those who put ketchup on their hot dog deserve a special place in the fiery underworld which I will not name.”
