As of 10:50 a.m. on Friday, Nov. 8, the Carletonian Decision Desk has ruled the election for Archdruid of the Carleton Grove of the Reformed Druids of North America still too close to call. With record turnout of twelve votes, more than doubling last cycle’s count of five votes, it is taking much longer for the poll worker to count the influx of ballots. Additionally, as courts have ruled that absentee ballots postmarked on or before Election Day can be counted up to five days later, mail-in ballots are still arriving from far-off destinations like Lilac Hill and Goodhue, further dragging out vote processing.
The office of Archdruid is an incredibly powerful position, and many Pagan Action Committees (PACs) have been running ads and recruiting canvassers to mobilize Druids towards the polls.
“This is possibly the most consequential Archdruid election of our lifetimes,” said the media manager of Druid Citizens Concerned for Puppet Life. “I mean, candidate Drew Idde has already come out and said he would prioritize ‘being more in touch with nature’ and ‘fostering a meaningful Druid spiritual environment’ above all else. Did he even mention gigantic puppets? Our fundamental rights as Reformed Druids and as puppet lovers rest on this very election. Who knows, we might be spending next year sitting in a circle reading dumb Druid Histories instead of dancing around with a kickass puppet. Is that the kind of world we want to live in?”
Polls closed at 6:00 p.m. on Tuesday evening, when the poll worker realized they needed to vacate the chapel lounge to allow space for acapella groups to practice. Though their shift was shorter than expected, poll workers reported feeling overworked and intimidated while volunteering.
“I mean, I was just trying to do my job, register people and all that, and suddenly all of these three guys in matching robes show up demanding to see me,” Poll worker Polly Booth said. “I mean they had chalices and this giant horn and stuff, and I was freaking out. Then my partner told me they were the voters, and that scared me even more. Apparently, they were hiding their faces in support of their candidate the Arb Goblin, who has not been seen by mortal eyes in centuries. But I had to check their IDs!”
Though turnout was high, many Druid voters report feeling relatively dissatisfied with their two mainstream choices. While some simply chose to refrain from voting, others wrote in other candidates as a form of protest.
“I wrote in President Byerly,” an anonymous voter told The Carletonian. “I mean, if she already won the presidential election, she can probably win this one too, right? I just really can’t see Drew Idde as a good candidate, and the Arb Goblin? Really? Is this who we are as a Grove? My friends told me not voting for the Arb Goblin was basically voting for Drew Idde, but those options are similar evils in my opinion. Literally, I have been cursed by both of them. Let’s hope Byerly and her bangs can be pleasing enough to Earth Mother that she can pull us across the finish line.”
As more votes come in, the Carletonian Decision Desk projects that the race will be called sometime this weekend. In the meantime, Reformed Druids are encouraged to iron their robes and collect pine cones and plants for the Archdruid Inauguration Ceremony that is set to occur shortly after the results are determined.
