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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

President Byerly and Dean Livingston decide to “settle this out back”

Early Thursday morning, sources close to the president’s office reported that the long-running dispute between Carleton President Alison Byerly and Dean of Students Carolyn Livingston is soon to come to a close. Feeling the tension build to a breaking point, President Byerly finally proposed that the two “settle this out back,” reportedly not wanting to make a scene in front of the other attendees of their meeting by having it out right then and there. It is still unclear where “out back” can be found and, in fact, what they are fighting about, but sources assure that the showdown will “let the two get out their resentment toward one another and hopefully bring us together as a community.”

When pressed on the nature of the dispute between the two administrators, the source indicated that Byerly felt “there’s not enough room in this college for the two of us, partner” and that Livingston had “better hightail it out of Laird.” A spokesperson for the Dean of Students office responded that Byerly was a “stinky wimp” and “shouldn’t stick her bangs in places they don’t belong.” Furthermore, Livingston’s office reported, “if Allie B doesn’t want another wet willie, she’ll put up less of a fight when I take her lunch money.” 

President Byerly did not immediately respond to Livingston’s threats, instead pulling her wide-brimmed hat further down over her eyes and ordering another sarsaparilla. She took a long swallow before taking a deep breath and wiping her mouth confidently. She then spoke in a slow, quiet, gravelly voice: “That’s big talk from a dean who hasn’t been published since 2015,” Byerly said, “as a matter of fact, that’s fightin’ talk.”

To this, Livingston responded, “yeah, it’s fighting talk, shrimp.”

Byerly responded by calling Livingston a “no-good bottom feeder.”

Livingston reacted instantaneously by cocking her fist for a punch, while Byerly quickly moved her hand to the ornately embroidered leather holster at her hip. The rest of the nearby crowd in Sayles-Hill Saloon quickly distanced themselves, pushing over barstools and tables in their effort to avoid violence. However, the two belligerents were stopped and thrown out of the establishment before any harm could be done. According to eyewitnesses, Byerly turned to Livingston and said, “Tuesday. High noon.” The two shook hands, nodded and turned away from each other. Livingston “strutted back inside to high five her cronies,” while Byerly made her way down the steps, mounted and spurred her horse, shouted “HYAAH!” and rode off into the setting sun. 

Interested parties can attend the showdown during common time on Tuesday. 

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About the Contributor
Ben Ellis, Bald Spot Editor
There are two things I like: eating grapes and lying in the newspaper. Also, general happiness and joy. Plus, I've been known to enjoy a good LDC Reuben. Ben (he/him) is a sophomore and started as a Bald Spot editor last year.

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