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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

How to woo a Carl: Ten tried-and-true tips

Another Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and many of our readers (and writers) were once again left without a special someone to celebrate with. In fact, sources indicate that up to 95% of Carls felt lonely this past Feb. 14, while only 25% deserved to. These tips go out to the 70%: those who are on the hunt for a special someone, but are unsure how to get that someone to notice them. 

  1. Carleton students and faculty are renowned for their lack of awareness of their surroundings. As such, some Carls in despair may simply have not noticed that they live in a community with hundreds of people who have the potential to strike up a close personal affiliation. We suggest that all toasters looking for a toast pay attention to those four-limbed things in your classes and around campus. If it’s not a squirrel, chances are it’s a person. You can meet some if you want.
  2. There’s nothing sexier than a great dance move. The next time you’re in front of a potential suitor, make sure to do the robot.
  3. Carleton students are almost universally attracted to the smell of cereal. If any electrical plugs want a quick and easy way to find an outlet, it could be a life changer for them to visit the local Malt-o-Meal factory and roll around in the batter. 
  4. It’s tricky to be thrown in the deep end with a romantic partner. To get a bit of experience before pursuing someone, practice by dating their mother.
  5. Carls like a partner with opinions on popular culture. It is an essential part of the toolbox of any sodium seeking a bicarbonate to be able to list your ten favorite Nicolas Cage films when the conversation gets slow.
  6. Some may experience difficulties attracting a Carl the first time they perform a dance move. To recover from the awkward looks you get after your premiere attempt, do the robot again.
  7. Carleton students want to be with accomplished, capable people. To advance in the meritocratic world of wooing a Carl, start competing in pie-eating contests as soon as possible. One day, you’ll be the big winner, and on that day, you’ll receive admiration and mania rivaling that garnered by any rock star. Make sure your special someone is in the audience.
  8. It’s important not to come off as selfish when you’re a jelly seeking a donut. Prove your ability to share by giving them a portion of the winning whipped cream from your pie-eating contest. For a more personal touch, take the whipped cream directly from your face and hand it to them.
  9. Carls want someone who lives in the moment. Stop talking about your failed fourth-grade student council run when that no-good Henry Johnson humiliated you and stole your votes. Who cares about that anymore? So what if he pantsed you in front of the class and everybody saw your underwear? You can rise above that embarrassment. If you can’t recover enough to ask out your crush, what have all of those SHAC counseling appointments been for? Remember what Kenneth said. You are enough. You are enough. 
  10. You’re too short. The lever is under the seat toward the right. You’re welcome. 

With these ten tips in your wheelhouse, there is no reason you should be without a partner in your wheelhouse next Valentine’s Day. Always remember: it’s ‘cows, colleges, and contentment,’ not ‘cows, colleges, and loneliness’ for a reason. Because of alliteration.

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About the Contributor
Ben Ellis, Bald Spot Editor
There are two things I like: eating grapes and lying in the newspaper. Also, general happiness and joy. Plus, I've been known to enjoy a good LDC Reuben. Ben (he/him) is a sophomore and started as a Bald Spot editor last year.

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