With the announcement of Carleton’s beloved Rabbi Shosh’s retirement, the Office of the Chaplain has been working tirelessly to find a suitable candidate to replace her. After listening to student feedback, sifting through applications and conducting dozens of interviews and interpretive dance auditions, the search committee has come forth with the following potential chaplain candidates:
Pedro Pascal
Described as “the epitome of cool” by an anonymous Carleton College chaplain, Pedro Pascal has proven a popular choice for Jewish chaplain among Carleton students. While Pascal doesn’t necessarily have the strongest religious, educational or experiential skills of this preliminary group, the search committee was impressed by his character. “Pedro is definitely someone that Carleton students would love to spend time with,” a member of the committee explained. “Our only concern with him is that we might have to impose a ‘no fan edits’ rule for the Office of the Chaplain, which would really tank our social media engagement.”
George Santos
George Santos is by far the most experienced candidate. “The search committee was truly impressed by Dr. Rabbi Cantor Representative Pope Santos’s resume. I mean, a banker at Goldman Sachs, a wildly popular member of the House of Representatives AND a star volleyball player at Baruch College? Plus, he was the first man to land on Mars, he parted the Red Sea, he invented the saltine cracker and Curious George was named after him! What’s not to love?” a student on the search committee raved.
Adam Sandler
Like Pedro Pascal, Adam Sandler is known for his popularity on big and small screens alike. “What makes Adam special, though, is his musical talent,” a chaplain’s associate said. “The Jewish community of Carleton really wants someone with musical experience, and Mr. Sandler is one of the most recognizable Jewish musicians around.” The search committee hopes that Sandler will be able to write songs about all of the Jewish holidays in addition to his acclaimed “The Chanukah Song,” because “eight crazy nights” is not exactly how one would describe Passover, much less Yom Kippur.
Moses
Moses arrived at Carleton last week in a basket floating down the Cannon River and immediately announced his candidacy for the position of Jewish chaplain. “There is no one who knows the Torah better than him,” a Jewish student remarked, “I mean, he literally wrote it.” Though Moses has a lot of scriptural experience, the search committee is concerned about his tendency to ramble, considering most of the fifth book of the Hebrew Bible is just him talking. “He does have a killer beard, though,” said a student who peeped into the chaplain’s study during Moses’s interview.
Cookie
This furry blue guy is certainly the sweetest contender of the group of applicants. Cookie could, in theory, have a wide array of experiences, accreditations and degrees, but the search committee can’t definitively describe his qualifications because he only says one word. Said a student, “Cookie is not the most talkative, but what he says has substance. From the very beginning, when we asked him his name, all he said was ‘cookie,’ a biblically significant Hebrew word that demonstrates both the depth of his knowledge and his fluency in the language. If you ask me, Cookie is among the most qualified for this position that we have ever had.”
The five candidates will be coming to campus at the end of the term to meet Carleton students and staff before the search committee decides who to hire. The day of activities will include an opening statement from each candidate and will be moderated by Chris Wallace, complete with questions on Judaism, chaplaincy, geese, LDC soup, a Kahoot quiz, a matzo ball soup cook-off and a beauty pageant.
