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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Unpredicted warm weather causes harsh adjustments to ice-based PE schedule

Two weeks ago, the Bald Spot was flooded. This flood was significantly later than this event usually occurs — typically, the rink is present from the start of term onwards, enabling the ice hockey and figure skating PE classes to begin with the rest of classes. In the multi-week buildup to the rink being frozen, several students dropped these classes simply because they were bored of waiting to see what was going to happen. An anonymous freshman said, “Ya know, I’m just at a point where I’m not sure what’s happening, and I think I just need to drop it.” Coincidentally, he also ended up taking that approach to some interpersonal relationships, leading a second anonymous freshman to comment, “That guy is stinky. Also, projecting much?” 

When ice hockey teachers found out that the rink was frozen, there was a moment of relief — one teacher said, “I’ve been terrified that I would miss out on my daily dose of watching so-called adults fall on their faces. My doctor prescribes it as part of a routine to combat my Seasonal Affective Disorder.” And then panic struck — it became clear that with the uptick to the 40s in the coming week, there wouldn’t be time to get through the entire curriculum before the rink thawed again. Suddenly, the solution came to that same instructor in a prophetic dream (possibly due to ingesting hallucinogenic chemicals in Burton ham) — to maintain the entertainment, and also get those credits for the students, they could simply consolidate the PE classes into one 24 hour intensive skating experience. 

The big event was scheduled for last Thursday, 10:40 a.m. until Friday, 10:30 a.m. This time was approved after a long dispute with college president Allison Byerly, who said, “I can excuse keeping them out on the ice all night, but interfering with Convocation is where I draw the line.” 

Things were off to a bad start when all the students showed up without skates, claiming that it was unfair to ask them to have purchased class materials for the first day of classes, when they were still considering dropping the course. However, the PE department maintained their policy of not letting students wear their normal shoes, no matter the surface. An instructor said, “If the aikido and social dance people can make them wear socks, so can we.” Several students who have since lost toes to frostbite voiced serious complaints in a Community Concern Form, mentioning the total unfairness of trapping them — totally shoeless — on an ice rink for 24 hours and interfering with their security, SHAC and 911 calls. In response to this form, one student, known as “the foot person” due to their predisposition to walk around campus barefoot at all hours of the day and all times of year, suggested that the students in these classes “toughen up.” 

In total, about 20 Carls were taken to Urgent Care after this class — but luckily, several were able to tune in to Convocation via Zoom. By the time Convocation was over, the entire ice rink had mysteriously disappeared. Asked for a comment on the incident, President Allison Byerly said, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Frankly, I find it very disturbing that these accusations are being made. We have never made any attempt to turn the back page of this college’s student-run newspaper into an ice rink. Also, I curl my bangs heatlessly overnight with a foam rod, so I don’t even own a hair dryer with which to melt all that ice. What’s more, to melt all that ice would require an energy output of over 3,000 kWh, meaning that a hair dryer melting the rink during the one hour of convocation would need a power of over 3 million watts. Even at the industrial level, no hair dryers that powerful have been available for sale since Hairs R Us declared bankruptcy in 2001. It would be utterly ridiculous to think that someone at this college would have access to an authentic vintage mint condition Hairs R Us Zebra 24 Ultra-hot Speed Torch, and even more ridiculous to think that they had been hiding it in plain sight for all these years with no one suspecting a thing.”

Her doubts aside, Byerly expressed that “it’s unfortunate that all those students were mysteriously injured, but what’s even more unfortunate is this belief that Carleton has ever — or would ever — offer ice skating-related classes. We currently have a team hard at work investigating the source of the chemicals that started this mass hysteria — our current theory is that they originated in the chicken served at St. Olaf’s Stav Hall last week, as we always test our food on an assistant professor before serving it to make sure there are no hallucinogens. I’m wishing all affected students a speedy recovery — my number one tip is to remember that this is all in your head. There has never been a Bald Spot ice rink, and you still have ten toes.” 

The Bald Spot was unable to verify the number of toes you have.

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