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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Carleton president forced to step down over mounting frosted tips allegations

Last Friday, in an email to the greater Carleton community, Carleton president Alison Byerly announced her resignation. The cusp of a drawn-out struggle over new and controversial evidence that has come to light regarding Byerly’s past work, this decision shocked many Carleton students and staff. “In coordination with the Board of Trustees, I have come to the decision that it is in the best interests of Carleton for me to resign so that we can address the critical issue facing our community without focusing too much on the misguided actions of any one individual.” 


The issue in question is, of course, the news that in her early days as an academic at Middlebury College, Byerly sported frosted tips instead of her trademark bangs, a groundbreaking revelation that has attracted the attention of news outlets and community members alike. An anonymously published viewpoint from one fall term issue of the Carletonian accused Byerly of “threatening the sanctity of the liberal arts values that Carleton claims to hold dear,” while Carleton student Sophia Ying ‘26 thundered that “Carleton cannot continue to be represented by a person who believes that this kind of behavior is valuable or even acceptable in the world of today.” Wally Weitz, chairman of the Carleton Board of Trustees, weighed in, saying, “Byerly’s decision to color the tips of her hair is the latest development proving that this institution has tolerated the unrestricted wokeness of its faculty for far too long. There will soon be major changes to the expectations Carleton has of professors. We will no longer allow such deviations from good, sturdy American values. My late mother would never have colored the tips of her hair, and neither will our Carleton faculty, no matter how bisexual they may believe themselves to be.” 


Students are divided in their response to the ouster. Though some, such as Ying, applaud the decision to “cleanse the institution of impurities in all forms,” other students defend Byerly by pointing to underlying prejudices that could be at play in the push to force her resignation. According to an anonymous junior, “this would never be happening to a non-Pennsylvanian.” An anonymous sophomore added that “this is a clear case of discrimination against people who aren’t in a boy band.” 


Questions on Byerly’s next career move have led some to speculate she will stay on at Carleton as goat herder, while others believe she will continue her pursuit of her lifelong dream by learning to play the kazoo and joining NSYNC, the Pulitzer-winning group heralded by Moisturizer Monthly as “the best-moisturized boys this side of the Colorado.”

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About the Contributor
Ben Ellis
Ben Ellis, Bald Spot Editor
There are two things I like: eating grapes and lying in the newspaper. Also, general happiness and joy. Plus, I've been known to enjoy a good LDC Reuben. Ben (he/him) is a sophomore and started as a Bald Spot editor last year.

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