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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Allison Byerly declares open season

On Monday, Carleton President Allison Byerly declared open season on waterfowl, deer and parking spots. In an interview with the Carletonian, Byerly said, “Carleton has been blessed by the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources with the ability to decide our own hunting season. We are empowered to set a start and end date to the season for all the land on campus, as well as to privately determine the species we are allowed to hunt.” Byerly, sporting an orange vest and hat, stated that “as always, there seems to be an abundance of waterfowl on this campus, and the deer population has gotten out of control. We are also excited to announce a new addition to the list of huntable species this year: parking spots.” Parking spots have been in short supply in the Northfield area, and the college has not been shy about their desire to increase their availability. This is the last step in a series of measures that most recently involved an ACE course entitled “Tow Trucks: Elementary Theory and Lab.” 


The college appointed Ned Park-King as the game warden after Russ Petrika declined the offer. Mr. Park-King was very clear about the object of this year’s hunt. “We need fewer ducks, fewer deer and more spots. A couple people, mainly these liberal hippy-dippy professors, have asked me, ‘Ned, how do you hunt parking spots?’ The answer is simple. You just look for places that could be parking spots, and you paint some white and yellow lines to claim it.” The liberal hippy-dippy professors did not respond for comment.


Ned added that there’s more to parking space hunting than just utility or gaining more spots for the greater good: “Not all the hunting needs to be marking spots for parking; many students like to hunt for sport. Searching the parking spots by the chapel, avoiding tickets from security and beating other cars to a parking spot are all examples of students using spot hunting for self-improvement via physical and mental exercise.” Several students concurred with this assessment. Mike Arwonstart, a sophomore step aerobics major, commented that “I really think that this is the most wonderful time of the year. There’s no greater joy than double-parking in the Cowling parking lot. I know the profs who park there don’t like it, but who cares?” 


Of the many ways to hunt parking spots on campus, perhaps none are as popular as “sticker-ripping:” the act of peeling off other students’ parking stickers in an attempt to get other cars towed. President Byerly did not comment on whether she condoned the activity as she walked nonchalantly towards a 2002 Toyota Camry double-parked in front of her minivan. 


Students are more or less in agreement on hunting at Carleton. A Bald Spot poll conducted outside LDC found that 100% of students support open season on parking spots and oppose open season on ducks and deer. As one student commented, “I can accept that we start hunting parking spots. Gaming the tow truck system, lugging around waterborne 100% acrylic alkyd striping paint — that’s all in good fun. But ducks and deer seem like a stretch.” This was the only student interviewed or polled, but they assured us to “trust me, bro. I know what I’m talking about.” 

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About the Contributor
Bax Meyer
Bax Meyer, Managing Editor
Hey, all! I'm Bax (he/him), and I'm a junior Econ major with a Middle East Studies minor. I love talking about Middle East politics and American Indian Treaty Rights. I'll always send you good book or movie recomendations. You can probably find me on campus wandering the arb, on 1st libe, or at step areobics. I like dad jokes, American Indian Treaty Rights, shawarma, and publishing my hot takes in the Carletonian anonymously.
Red flags: econ major, will judge you for using the Oxford comma, and hates geese
Green flags: Middle East Studies minor, still uses the Oxford comma, and quotes the Star Wars prequels on the daily
Bax was previously Managing Director and Viewpoint Editor.

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