From the Homecoming football game to club activities such as K-Pop socials and Chinese acupuncture, as well as a philosophy class led by Carleton Professor Daniel Groll taught at St. Olaf next term, our sister school across the river is an integral part of the Carleton community. To further this connection and shine light on the greater Northfield community’s opinions, we at the Carletonian have taken it upon ourselves to compile a few reviews of Carleton and St. Olaf found on Google Maps.

St Olaf:

1 star: “Too many Norwegians.”  

2 stars: “I toured there. Beautiful buildings, but something about it reminds me of the snowman guy from ‘Frozen.’ I can’t put my finger on it.” 

2 stars: “Recently, the Prime Mminister of Norway came to St. Olaf to give a speech, so it’s no surprise that this university has deep ties with Norway. Doesn’t this strike anyone as odd? Are we just gonna let foreign countries fund our colleges??” 

2 stars: “Current student, the dorms are sub-par and the social life is nonexistent. You say hi to someone in the hallway, and they stop in their tracks, turn, and run away screaming. It’s like no one here actually wants to make friends. Plus, I’m the only one who puts any effort into Dress Like a Lovecraftian Monster Month. ” 

1 star: “I give one star because the students there can’t read. They can’t count either, so they probably think this is a good number of stars. But it’s not.” 

1 star: “st olaf sucksss!!! i wont say which but im the presedent of another college in northfeidl and my college is sooo much better!!! when u want to be a REAL collage you’ll pick a presidnet w bangs!!!!!”

4 stars: “Beautiful campus, I was shocked that the classes were easier than at my high school. With all the pool floaties and mildew, it felt like a summer camp but still cost me 25k per year. I hope they get their act together these days.” 

2 stars: “There’s no place to park, ever..” 

1 star: “It’s alright, but people here have a fundamental misunderstanding of the work of HP Lovecraft. What makes Lovecraftian horror effective is that it situates us face-to-face with the unknown and unfamiliar, but Oles seem to believe that the existential dread of his compendium can be boiled down into a single scary image. Until people stop minimizing this aspect of his work, I will not be participating in Dress Like a Lovecraftian Monster Month.” 

1 star: “It’s a huge scam. The campus security officers do nothing but hand out parking tickets to unsuspecting students. There’s no crime in Northfield and all Public Safety officers do is bust parties and hand out parking tickets. They’ll boot anything — car, bike, raccoon, they even booted my friend Ricky when he fell asleep in a lawn chair that was only ten minutes over on the parking meter. I swear they’ve turned public safety into a source of funding.” 

1 star: “It doesn’t exist.” 

Carleton:

1 star: “A prestigious liberal arts college known for its academic rigor and overwhelming number of mentally unstable students.” 

5 stars: “Beautiful campus with tons of paved and unpaved trails. I take my dog to the Arb regularly. Very peaceful.” 

3 stars: “It’s a welcoming school in a beautiful little town, everyone’s a little too nice. Uncannily nice. I can see why coastal colleges tend to shy away from Carleton students — I was freaked out the first time I saw the frozen smile and dead eyes of a Carl holding the door for me from 20 feet away, slowly beckoning me to come closer. Closer still. When I reached him, his eyes bored into mine, and he spoke to me in my mother’s voice without moving his mouth. ‘Come home,’ he said to me, ‘come home and join us.’ He began to open his mouth wider and wider, but I managed to escape the soft whispers emanating from the abyss and go to class. Dorms are meh.” 

3 stars: “The architecture of the buildings is interesting. The water i’s mid.” 

1 star: “There is nothing in Northfield. I want to get a driver’s license and I have been studying for the knowledge test for some time. Imagine my shock when I found out that the nearest places to take a driver’s knowledge test are at centers located in New Prague and Faribault. Guys, I can’t drive. How am I supposed to get there? When I reached out to Carleton regardingon the issue, they told me I could use CarlsWalk, where they tell you how to get to your destination and you walk there. I told them I was worried about falling into manholes, but they completely dismissed my fears. All in all, not a great experience.” 

5 stars: “You get in on some really great jokes. One guy I know keeps telling Oles that it’s Dress Like a Lovecraftian Monster Month, and it’s so funny to watch them completely misunderstand the significance of existential unknown-ness in the mythos.” 

3 stars: “Freshman here, beautiful campus and nice people. That being said, the food here is…mediocre. One meal in their dining hall is equivalent to an average person’s weekly sodium intake. Do not come here if you have high blood pressure, are pregnant or plan to become pregnant, have lower back issues, have upper back issues, have issues, are at risk for heart failure or are under 54 inches tall.” 

2 stars: “It doesn’t exist.”