This year, Carleton Assassins announced that the popular campus game, “Spoon Assassins,” would be brought back for a second time. The organization, however,  has been taken aback by a group called the “Sons of Dracula” who intend to use knives instead of spoons as a way to tag their target. An anonymous Son of Dracula member commented, “With the blood on my conquered target’s shoulder, there’s no way he can say he wasn’t tagged.” Possibly driven by fear, some students have thrown their fellow comrades under the bus. Swim team member Duby Rirks ’27 admitted, “The rumors are true. I did sell out my teammate for a portion of the prize.  I hope he didn’t get stabbed too hard”. 

Reactions to the Dracula-led decision were mixed, which, according to an anonymous source, “really says a lot about the ideological diversity of this school”. Bon Appétit was ambivalent, saying “So, they took all our knives. Why, though? Those flimsy things couldn’t cut through paper.” CSA described the stabbings as “concerning”, saying, “The Carleton Student Association is closely monitoring the current situation. We have begun a knife buyback initiative in the interest of ensuring the safety of all students while protecting their intrinsic human right to carry knives.” Students who are ideologically opposed to the concept of the CSA are alternatively encouraged to donate their knives to Boliou Hall to be melted into a pair of “comically large ears” for Gould Library’s beloved bust of Toff the cat. 

The Office of Intercultural Life expressed its disapproval of the ongoing rampage but added, “While we condemn the loss of blood and life from certain students, it should be noted that the Sons of Dracula are a queer-coded (bloodthirsty) and BIPOC (Romanian) group, and their underrepresented voices need to be heard”. It seems that the one group who is emerging out of this conflict stronger than before is the Classics department, which has announced an upcoming “Foods of the Romanian Kingdom” week in partnership with Bon App.