Bathrooms. The perfect place to cry, hide from the world and clear out your most recent meal. As someone who’s seen a lot of them in various conditions, I consider myself somewhat of a bathroom connoisseur. Now, I have decided to bring my knowledge to the Carletonian. My five weeks at Carleton have provided me the opportunity to use many of its facilities, some of which are better than others. Although I would’ve loved to include all the bathrooms in this review, there’s an eight-page limit. The bathrooms featured here were the most memorable, for better or worse. 

1. Cowling: 9/10

The lighting was amazing. The stalls even had enough light to create a homely ambiance of safety from murder. I love the foldable parcel/purse stands in each of the stalls, meaning nothing I was carrying had to touch the bathroom floor. The place reeked of sports, but if you ignore the stench, it eventually goes away. Soap and paper towels were present in sufficient quantities. 

1. First James: 8/10

The vibe was quite lovely. The lighting was superb. The sink had a very long fancy handle. There was enough soap and paper towels. It felt like I was transported to a wholly different college for the four minutes and twenty seconds I was in here. Reality then bitch-slapped me back to Carleton when I saw that there weren’t any hooks on the doors, so I had to lay my precious belongings down on the floor. 

1. First LDC: 6/10

LDC would be a 7/10 if not for the automatic toilets. A bad experience with these little devils at the International Arrivals Building at the Dulles Airport scarred me for life. When I sat down on the toilet, I was flushed into a mysterious basement room where I had to dodge deadly laser beams shooting out of automatic toilet sensors. Luckily, I was armed with about ten years of hand-to-hand combat experience due to my past as a Percy Jackson kid, so I managed to escape untouched and clamber back up to the terminal. It wasn’t fun explaining to my mom why I was soaked in urine or to Dulles Airport Maintenance why all their sensors were broken. The trash cans in here are usually overflowing with paper towels. The seats are black, which makes me wonder what they’re hiding.

1. First Myers: 3/10

An odd stench permeated the air. The lighting was an ugly florescent. The vibe was very off. There were no lights in the stalls. I felt like I was going to be murdered or have a nasty confrontation with Moaning Myrtle. The walls had a nice green tile stripe, but the floor was ugly and beige. Paper towels were overflowing from the trash can, but there was no Oscar the Grouch beneath them to lighten the mood. 

1. First Laird: -100/10

I was waterboarded for information on the Carletonian editorial team by Allie B as the toilet attempted to suck my soul into the abyss. Wasn’t great, to say the least.