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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

    Advice for the Class of 2027

    Conrado Pena Lemes
    A menacing squirrel.

    Believe it or not, people are born every year. Subsequently, this results in people starting college every year. These doe-eyed and naive freshmen are in need of urgent advice; and, the Bald Spot being the most trusted news sources in Southern Minnesota, we have rushed to their help (a month late).


    James Ellen: You’ll want to be careful on the sidewalks in winter. Carleton does this thing where they go out and make everything slippery every morning. It’s charming, but it catches you by surprise. Oh, and be careful around the squirrels. 


    Elizabeth Rogers: I’ve been here for a long time. My best advice? Start preparing for cold days from week one. Don’t wait for the end of fall because it gets really busy as the term continues. Collect everything you can find, especially nuts.


    Adam Trainor ’26: Don’t load up on early classes. Oh, what’s that? You woke up for high school at 6 a.m.? You thought you could take a 1a? You fool. You smooth fool. Try it. I dare you. You’ll be begging me for a piggyback ride to class by midterms, but I won’t give you one, because I believe piggyback rides belong in the privacy of your own home. 


    Taylor Lopez ’24: People might have told you by now that geology is a cult. As a geology major, I can say that that’s just a rumor. We are just a nerdy bunch that enjoy digging into the dirt and understanding the secrets of the universe. Write a poem once, you don’t become a poet, make a cake once, you don’t become a baker, but sacrifice a freshman once and you become a cult? It’s just unfair. 


    James Ellen ’25: Do not trust the squirrels. I am serious. 


    Adam Trainor ’26: To be clear, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving piggyback rides to the people you love. I just don’t want to see it in public, and I definitely don’t want my kids exposed to it. 


    James Ellen ’25: [whispering] I’m f–king serious. Do you think this is a joke? I’m trying to protect you. You don’t know what they are capable of. You know nothing. I’ve said too much. Oh, god, I’ve said too much. I can feel their eyes on me, watching me from the trees. It’s too late now.


    Teyana White ’24: Who is this advice for? Freshmen? Okay. Geology is cool. You should definitely take a class. We have — what do freshmen like? Yu-Gi-Oh? — we have so many Yu-Gi-Oh cards.


    Omar Husein ’26: Even if you have never tried it, or if you’re not comfortable with your science skills, take an intro geology class. Especially if you are pure at heart and born on a full moon.


    Sarah Stein: Give me nuts. Nuts. Nutsssssss. I love your pants by the way.


    James Ellen ’25: I can’t protect you now. They’ve seen your face. It’s too late for us both.

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