Dean Livingston, the albino squirrel, Allison Byerly: all beloved and respected members of the Carleton community, to be sure, but none can hope to match the sheer, fervent adoration the Arb Goblin enjoys. For newer members of the Carleton community, we offer a brief summary of the Arb Goblin’s epic story: As every Carl knows, before Cowling Arboretum came to be, there was the Fella. And with their Fella Finger the Fella brought forth Carleton from the Earth. All the while dormant, the Arb Goblin had lain in wait until the Fella released Him from His hibernation. The Arb Goblin was free and absolute. Ever since the placental birth of Carleton from the Earth, the Goblin has been a cultural staple and heartthrob among students and faculty alike.
Our friend the Goblin is an integral part of the Carleton community, as the world is aware. But, when He makes mistakes, we must not shirk our duty to hold Him responsible. Several recent eyewitness testimonies report that encounters with the Goblin have been significantly more aggressive and “world-shattering” than they were in the past. Tlerence Blools, a current junior, described in a recent interview how he “Was just walking, and then, like, the Goblin walked over and looked me in the eyes. And, uh, I think I witnessed the beginning and end of man maybe infinite times? Honestly all I know is that I’m a different thing from what I was.”
Of course, this isn’t anything new or noteworthy. It is common knowledge that if you enter the Arb, you run the risk of emerging as something entirely different. Furthermore, Tlerence is stupid, and we all hate him. Where unique concerns do arise, though, is in several independent reports of the Goblin growing larger. Some claim He’s only a couple of inches taller, attributing the height to His new platform boots, while others believe they’ve seen Him towering above the trees. So immense is His size that those who witness Him think themselves blind — no matter where they look, there is only vast, vast Goblin flesh in their sight.
Readers, you should be worried. The Arb Goblin poses a serious threat to the student body’s lifestyle if He exits His habitat: we might not be able to put Him back. He’s immune to sedatives due to the lingering effects of his record-breaking 1981 line of cocaine, and, if the yearly post-Rotblatt tradition of the Garblin Hunt has taught us anything, it’s that we certainly can’t kill Him. As it stands, Carleton, we are left with two options: either we rest on our laurels, hopelessly praying that He will take mercy on us, or we give Him what He needs to remain our happy and healthy Boy. It is time. Revive the Fella. We must return to the ground the growing, gobbling Goblin.
