During third week, CCCE partnered with SHAC to provide STI testing as a part of the SEXploration curriculum. Shocking testers, it was found that multiple STI outbreaks have rocked campus, spreading from dorm to dorm and through townhouses like wildfire. SHAC declared a campuswide state of emergency, asking all students to wear a protective mask over their genitals during an investigation into how this epidemic began and spread.
SHAC’s findings were ultimately inconclusive as to the origin of the STI epidemic, but some fringe groups including Carleton President Alison Byerly, Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton and the First Presbyterian Church of Milwaukee have claimed that as many as a dozen STIs may have been created in a Hulings biology lab. The STIs allegedly invented in labs include the testickles, Emerald Ash Borer, vaginfluenza, HPV, the penis pox and depression. Though public health organizations still adamantly oppose these claims, Byerly has held her ground, reflecting, “everyone is agreeing that I was right,” and alleging that attempts to disprove her claims were orchestrated by agents of the “deep state liberal media.”
Byerly has commented on the high number of positive STI tests at Carleton relative to similar institutions, saying, “Yes, we have more cases than anybody in the world. But why? Because we do more testing. When you test, you have a case. If we didn’t do any testing, we would have very few cases.” She went on to discuss the policies of institutions like St. Olaf, which allows these diseases to spread until all members of the population have developed natural immunity. She said, “When you look at Olaf — and I love the people at Olaf, I always have, and they love me too, they’ve said to me ‘President Byerly, we think you’re a great president,’ and I have to agree — when you look at them, they don’t wear any genital masks, and they’re doing just fine.”
SHAC has suggested that some of these infections might be preventable by a vaccine. However, President Byerly has expressed doubts that such a remedy could be successful. Her alternative solution is anti-malarial drug hydroxychloroquine, which Byerly herself claims has had “tremendous” effects on her immune system. Another time, she suggested that a disinfectant such as bleach be injected at the affected site, saying, “you see what it does on stationary surfaces, where it wipes out the vaginfluenza in under a minute — which I think is tremendous, by the way — and I’m thinking that maybe there’s a way to bring that inside the body.” Medical professionals have repeatedly and emphatically disagreed, encouraging all Carls instead to follow the directions of SHAC.
SHAC has also discovered several practices that exacerbate the STI epidemics. First, they emphasize, Carleton has fallen too far from the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church. Piety and tithing on the part of all Carls, they find, should bring us back into the favor of the Lord and result in relief from the ever-present threat of STI transmission. Second, the common practice of detaching the genitals during mealtimes and leaving them in the cubbies outside dining halls may result in accidental mixups, with students reattaching other students’ genitals in place of their own. They have said that it is not necessary to completely eliminate genital detachment, but reasonable precautions against a swap should be taken, such as snapping a picture of the genitals’ exact location or using post-it labels. Third, the problematic phrase “go get tested” appears in several campus announcement emails advertising the opportunity to be tested. According to SHAC, many students and staff misread this phrase as “go get tasted,” resulting in increased transmission. While there may be no perfect solution to this problem, SHAC has suggested that up to 65% of these incidents could be avoided by teaching Carls to read.
