Carleton College's student newspaper since 1877

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Accepted students: what you need to know

Congratulations! You have chosen (correctly, I might add) Carleton as your home for the next four years. However, I’ll present you with a little-known-but-widely-agreed-upon fact about college life: It is hard. After a grueling 30-hour day of essay writing, it’s off to Cannon River for winter spearfishing or on a grand odyssey to Target! It can become overwhelming. To help you out, here are some tips to improve your quality of life and chance of prospering at Carleton:

  1. Only CANOE residents are allowed in the Arb after dark. Beware. 
  2. Looking to make a little extra cash on the side? Looking to learn how to cut your own hair? Why not practice on paying customers first? Unknowing roommates, friends and random strangers are all options.
  3. Bring shower shoes. Or don’t. Who am I to judge? 
  4. The inevitable experience of winter being six months long leading to a chapped mouth? Rub in the extra oil from the dining hall food to soothe those dry-ass lips! 
  5. Feeling stressed during finals week? Nowhere to put all of that pent-up rage and regret of taking that seemingly interesting biochemistry class? Forget about your studying and take a break, because purge rules apply during one of the reading days
  6. You will inevitably have a dream about Schiller. Don’t be alarmed. Embrace it.
  7. Carls marry Carls marry Carls marry Carls marry their distant cousin: Get prepared to meet your future spouse and participate in Carleton’s inverted population pyramid! 
  8. Feeling lost and aimless without your frisbee from New Student Week? Carleton just hired professional therapists to counsel those unable to find the owner of their found frisbee.
  9. If you’re feeling uneasy about the severely undercooked LDC pizza, don’t worry. It’s intentionally undercooked as an energy conservation measure! 
  10. Invest in a pair of headphones to drown out the imposter syndrome. 

Once you implement these ten commandments, you are certain to feel more prepared. However, you won’t be, because once you get here, you will find that everyone is drowning in the same puddle of perpetually melting snow. Enter and flounder at your own risk! If you are now regretting plunging into the gene pool that is Carleton, please remember that a stray frisbee can knock you out for a couple of weeks. And once you come back to consciousness, maybe the snow will finally be gone… 

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