Investigations conducted by our undercover reporters have revealed a behind-the-scenes strategic plan orchestrated by dining managers to shift the diets of Carleton students. The goal is to make all students amenable to eating tasteless slabs of sponge and considering such offerings a suitable meal. This is possibly to prepare them for the armageddon-style bunker situation many of them will likely find themselves faced with as the effects of climate change continue to worsen over the next decades.

The first step, which the keen observer may notice has already been put into action, is the removal of salt from any and all foods. Salt has begun to be rationed, both in the meals served in the dining halls and in the availability of shakers on tables in the dining halls and Sayles. The school is looking to achieve zero salt by 2024.

The second and much more important facet of this plan involves converting all students to vegetarians and, from there, tofutarians. One strategy they are employing capitalizes on the well-documented psychological phenomenon known as the “mere exposure effect.” This is the human tendency to like and accept something more the more frequently we are  exposed to it. Most sane, well-brought-up humans are able to instinctively recognize that a spongy, tasteless slab — even if technically edible — does not constitute a meal. Dining services, however, have been working hard to condition students to believe it does by offering tofu slabs as an option at every meal.

Obviously, all good behavioral control mechanisms include both an incentive and a disincentive. BonApp has been working overtime to disincentivize students from eating any type of meat by making it all shockingly unappealing. They have also experimented with offering much more satisfactory vegetarian alternatives, aiming to push students to vegetarianism first, in hopes of easing the final transition to tofu-only.

The long term goal of this project is for all dining halls to serve exactly one food: tofu. By 2026, every single station in both Burton and LDC is expected to be fully stocked with pale, unseasoned tofu triangles.