Carleton College's student newspaper since 1877

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

A rank down of every major at Carleton: part two

I am back again to hate on your major some more. It came to my attention that some people felt bad that their major did not make the previous part, indicating that it is in one of the lower tiers. That’s unfortunate. Keep in mind that the rankings below only represent what my opinion is of you. If you don’t feel like one of my descriptions represents you, consider switching majors.  

C Tier: Sociology and Anthropology, Linguistics, Art History, Theater Arts, German, Classics, English.

So/An is this low solely because I have not taken a class in it, despite wanting to do so. There is another life where I am a So/An major, but not one where I enjoy a course titled “The Anthropology of [insert something inconsequential here].” Linguistics people need to move on from syntax. It’s hard. We get it. As an Art History major, I can tell you we belong in the C tier. No explanation needed. Theater majors have a yearly rewatch of High School Musical. The first one of course, not the Marxist masterpiece that is High School Musical 2. German majors scare me. Why are you majoring in German? They only speak that in Germany; you know that, right? Classics and English majors never fail at making you feel stupid for not knowing what the third word in whatever dumb play they read was. 

D Tier: Latin American Studies, Chemistry, Psychology, History, Philosophy, Spanish, Statistics, French and Francophone Studies, American Studies. 

I love the Latin American Studies department, but I had to rank it low because I know that at least one of the majors is seriously considering working in the CIA. Chemistry is in D because I am a bitter, bitter student who got a bad grade in Chemistry in 10th grade. Take that, Ms. Mendes. I don’t need an explanation for psychology. You know what they’re like. History people are only in D because of Civil and Revolutionary War enthusiasts. Philosophy people need to touch grass, as we all know. Spanish majors have never heard of Duolingo, so I’m struggling to see them survive outside of college. Statistics majors are like the less ethical version of the good math majors, or a chiller version of the bad math majors. Either way I don’t want it. French majors go to Paris and make nothing else part of their personality after that. Lastly, American Studies majors need to study something else; have they never heard of conflict of interest?

F Tier: Biology, Political Science/International Relations, Economics, Computer Science

The fabulous four. The final four. The fabled four. There are more words in this ‘adjectives starting with the “F” list that I found. These are the worst four majors at Carleton by far. Biology majors complain about labs endlessly, not even considering that they signed up for them. Even worse, most of them are pre-med. Are they aware they have labs in med school too? Either way, the better pre-med people usually major in Chemistry or an actual interesting discipline. PoliSci people get a bad rap. Good. They deserve it. I’ve seen one too many of you go on to work at Lockheed Martin or whatever other weapons manufacturer or horrible think tank is in fashion these days. Economics needs no explanation, but I’ll still give it one. I cannot hear one more major complain about price theory. Are you aware other majors also have math in them? Even harder math. Also you really don’t need to explain why working at McKinsey is ethically okay. Then last, but certainly least, computer science. You know why it’s here. 

You will also notice they are the four most popular majors at Carleton. Is that a coincidence? Nope. As I have taken classes in all four departments and (unfortunately) met majors from all four departments, I’ve come to notice that I hate them all and I hate them equally. Although, that may be because these are the four departments I see people major in the most. Perhaps, majors really don’t matter, and I just don’t like most of you people. Yeah, that sounds right. 

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