Let me be clear: I don’t know who this Rotblatt guy is. But I saw an article in the Carletonian about how Carleton supposedly wants him dead. That made me sad, because I personally believe that colleges shouldn’t kill people; they should wait for the housing market to do it. Then I learned that Rotblatt is actually a campus tradition. And after that, I learned its blood-curdling, beer-curdling truth.

      We have to stop Rotblatt. The madness can’t keep going on just because some of us want it to. But the Carletonian doesn’t want to hear what I have to say: Viewpoint runs nothing but pro-Rotblatt articles and none of the other sections are opinion sections. I swore I’d never return to the Bald Spot, but no one else will hear me out. Here are four reasons why the restrictions on Rotblatt shouldn’t just go ahead and why they should instead be doubled, tripled, and (potentially) quadrupled:

1. Alcohol

Rotblatt famously requires students to be drinking during the entire duration of the softball game. I thought it was a bit vague how they didn’t say what people would be drinking. As it turns out, they will be drinking alcohol. According to the National Institute of Health, alcohol “can take a serious toll on your health.” It can “change mood and behavior, and make it harder to think clearly and move with coordination.” And Carleton wants to give this stuff to its students? Further research on these beverages and their side effects is needed before the college distributes it.

2. COVID-19

The original author of that Rotblatt article I mentioned called it “completely irrelevant” to restrict the game due to COVID-19. I thought that made sense at first because it’s all going to be outside. But then I remembered that the COVID-19 virus is ball-shaped, and what sport is played at Rotblatt? Softball. All it takes is one stray swipe of a bat and the virus is whacked straight into the crowd. Think you’re reaching for a fly ball? Wrong. You’re reaching for a home run of unprecedented times. Hope you brought toilet paper.

3. Climate Change

Talking about COVID-19 made me think of the other global crisis we’re currently facing: climate change. As we know, fossil fuels are one of the greatest contributors to climate change. And what is the alcohol going to be brought to campus in? A U-Haul Truck. While you guzzle your beer, that thing’s going to be guzzling gas, and the polar bears won’t be guzzling anything, because they’ll be dead. Their blood is on Carleton’s hands.

4.   It’s Anti-American

“What’s more American than beer and balls?” you might ask. Well, nothing — at least if you’re paying. This blue-state liberal arts college wants to give its students 156 innings of “free” softball and countless hours’ worth of “free” beer. What’s next? Free textbooks? Free tuition? Free mansions for everyone? Clearly the Rotblatt planners aren’t aware of how many people socialism has killed worldwide. Colleges should teach hard work instead of teaching woke gender studies and holding Rotblatts.

      As the school ranked third in Writing in the Disciplines, Carleton has a responsibility to treat its students with the utmost care and respect. I’ve shown you today that Rotblatt is antithetical to those principles. So here’s the play of the game. First base: Alumni, pull your donations. Second base: Administration, ban Rotblatt. Third base: Students, don’t go. Will the college knock this out of the park, or will they strike out? I don’t know, because I’m not going to Rotblatt.