Legend has it that before the very first Carl stepped foot upon our hallowed campus grounds, the rivalry between squirrels and geese was already centuries old. Countless generations have contributed blood, sweat and tears — hold on, can geese sweat? Google says no…

Countless generations have contributed blood and tears to this timeless conflict, and even the oldest, wisest squirrels — which admittedly aren’t very old at all given they have a lifespan of eight to 18 years…

Even these teenaged, grizzled war vets with an abundance of memories to recount cannot seem to recall the actual source of this combat. As the squirrels were going on tangents about the difficulty of concocting the right consistency for war paint out of the berries available in the Arb, I left them to ramble on and turned to the geese.

The geese were even less helpful in illuminating any details of the clash that incited this war as all they did was honk rudely in my direction. All attempts to conduct an interview were met with a violent chorus of “quack QUACK!” 

After resorting to deciphering ancient parietal art created by the prehistoric ancestors of these feuding species, my careful analysis led to the conclusion that these years of warfare are rooted in the mystery of the missing Golden Acorn. Stolen from the clutches of the first Great Squirrel by a young hooligan goose, the two species have never known peace since. Until that acorn is located, the bloodshed will continue. Wherever it may be, perhaps buried deep within the Arb or in the murky depths of Lyman Lakes, it is the only hope to restore peace amongst the squirrels and geese.

While many have bravely fought on both sides, tirelessly and with no end in sight, I urge all readers to withhold pity for these creatures. Cease any searching for this key to the first peaceful spring for Carleton College’s critters. Rue the day when we are free of squirrel brigades and geese raids, for when this treasure is finally restored, squirrels and geese will finally live in harmony, and, I warn thee, that will be a very dark day indeed for the student body. United, they will unleash their energy (for it is well known that squirrels and geese alike are beasts filled with inexhaustible wrath for no apparent reason) on their next foreseeable foe: us.