My friends, we are in a plague. The plaguey-est of plagues. No, I’m not talking about COVID-19, I’m talking about the Onewheels that zoom around campus. Many, including the administration, have been far too kind to these abhorrent mechanical monstrosities, but I will not have it. For this reason, I will be commencing open season on all of the Onewheelers as they swoosh around campus on their mono-wheel mechanisms. 

Many in the past have asked me: “Baxter, what’s wrong with the Onewheels? They’re also a large piece of the Carleton Community.” To which I say “Heretics! Cowards! We can not let them succeed.” You think you’re better than us just because you can skirt around like Rosey the Robot from the Jetsons? The Onewheels come up behind you when you least expect it. Their silent lithium battery-powered wheel allows them to swerve hither and yon in the bat of an eye. 

My second reason is that they defy God’s creation. God created the world for two wheels, not one! They were made complementary, joined by an axle in UNION with Jesus Christ. For that, moving on one wheel is just unnatural, and it is a choice to live in SIN! I’m not saying that Onewheels don’t exist in God’s plan, but God probably hates Onewheels. 

My final reason to hate the Onewheels is that they look too cool for Carleton. How can one claim to be “cArLeToN qUiRkY” if you’re riding the pimped-out cousin of the Segway? You can’t. Sure, this kind of debauchery may suffice at Macalester or Swarthmore, but I draw the line at this campus. 

In conclusion, the OneWheels are an abomination. They can not be trusted and should be destroyed at all costs. Just think of the children, and the children’s children. Do you really want them growing up in a world with the occupational hazard that is the OneWheelers? It is for this reason that I declare that the OneWheelers should be thrown shoved off their vehicles when given the opportunity.

Next on Baxter’s rants: “stop signs should be treated as suggestions.”