< Whom It May Concern:
The time it takes you to read this letter will probably be a wasted portion of your life, and for that I apologize in advance. It may surprise you, however, that a similar imposition is forced upon the vast majority of Carleton students every day. I’m talking, of course, about the startup time of college-owned computers.
I understand that as the 8th (9th? whatever) best liberal arts college in the country, Carleton provides us with countless privileges, the coolest of which are the new computers on 4th libe. I especially appreciate the flat keyboards, because they accommodate my password, saving me from looking like a tool re-entering it each of the minimum six times I have to enter it (Login, Zimbra, Moodle, Course Folder, GoPrint, GoPrint). However, it astonishes me that these fine investments take longer to start functioning than a lacrosse player on a Sunday morning. Since Apple can do no wrong*, I blame Carleton.
I would never question the necessity of the GoPrint! application. Just the other day I watched some townies sneak into the library to print out some pictures of heroin or whatever, only to be thwarted at the card-swiping station. “Damn it, I really felt like killing some trees!! Oh well, let’s go steal backpacks from the big pile in the LDC.”
I had been about to print out a life-size picture of Obama for my room, but the third time I was asked to select it I had a sudden change of heart. 26 pages? I began to question my place at Carleton and my value as a citizen of the earth. I see now that these are synonymous, and I have GoPrint! to thank for it. I still printed it though cause it was totally legit.
But what are the other applications bouncing up and down at the bottom of the screen for two minutes? “Mount” something? What is that, and why must it steal an hour from me every term? What can the computer possibly have to think about for FIVE MINUTES every time someone logs out? I guess I could ask my friends at SCIC, but they’re busy fixing broken printers [read: putting up signs] while I sit here, gazing out at the sunlight, waiting to remember why I left it in the first place.
*See Decree of Jobbal Infallibility, unanimous resolution by Ohio University freshmen Emily and Neil, Urban Outfitters half-yearly sale, 2006.