These are what the security blotters won’t give you: unbiased, unedited accounts of Carleton Campus Security.
By the Carleton-Undermining Monitoring Squad
Monday, 2/21
Morning: Security responded to a medical, but the medical did not respond to security. Sometimes these things don’t work out.
Tuesday, 2/22
Early Morning: A fire was reported in the Language and Dining Center. The vegetarian sausage patties were dangerously overcooked. Security attempted to use the provided fire extinguisher, but its contents had already been served as eggs. Security instead began filling cups and tossing water at the fire.
Morning: The fire was nearly extinguished. Only one more cup of water was needed. But Security could not locate any more cups.
Afternoon: LDC has fallen. Thankfully, it was a themed meal day. Theme was “Post-Apocalyptic Plates.”
Wednesday, 2/23
Early Morning: Security identified lack of LDC cups. If the facility continues to operate at a cup deficit, next fire could be even worse.
Morning: “Return The Cups” task force formed. Security observed dining hall patrons’ movements from afar. No cups were stolen, but a student went into convulsions after mixing every soda in the soda fountain. Student was transported to Northfield Hospital for treatment.
Evening: Security responded to a threatening note commanding them to stop searching for the lost cups. Security wrote, “No.”
Thursday, 2/24
Morning: Security apprehended a student who asked us to spell “I CUP.” Student claimed not to know anything about the cups and was released.
Afternoon: Security apprehended a student performing “The Cup Song.” The song did not contain any clues as to the location of the missing cups, but the percussion, when decoded from Morse code, spelled “pinecone.” Student was released after an encore.
Evening: Security seized every container of Cup Noodles being sold in the bookstore. Failed to locate any LDC cups. The cups were released. The noodles were not.
Friday, 2/25
Early Morning: Security responded to a letter of resignation from the Chief Security Officer. He claimed he failed in his mission to recover the cups and was a disgrace to his profession. Security deployed motivational forces, but could not locate the Chief.
Afternoon: Security responded to reports of a man in a security uniform sighing loudly by the Cannon River. It was the Chief. During group hug, a guard tripped over a hard object. Security identified this as an LDC cup.
Evening: The cup could talk. It said that it and its cohorts became sentient after their 200th Mountain Dew bath and fled Carleton to become shot glasses. Would have gotten away it if weren’t for us “meddling security guards.”
Nighttime: Cups returned to LDC. Status quo restored. Security plans future investigation of unresolved “I CUP” case.