You there. Yes, you, the notably unattached one, are a dumbass. Thought a survey (which you filled out fueled only by the desire to procrastinate) was gonna solve the former of those two issues? Think again. There’s probably a nice corner of some sort near you. Go sit in it, roll this paper into a cone, and place it atop your head, you dunce. To your surprise, you will find the word “gullible” written on the ceiling above you!
I will not apologize for the heat gathering in your cheeks right now. You’re the one who looked up. That’s not my fault. Moving along.
It is my esteemed duty to convey to you—and I will use the simplest of terms, my dear—that you were the only one who signed up for the Marriage Pact. We were all in on the prank, and your face right now made it so worth it. Names in a hat and yours managed to be the one read aloud, Hunger Games-style—but worse than a battle to the death, reading aloud your name tacked a heart-shaped target on your back.
You really never caught on this entire time? I swear, we thought the whole gig was up when Will, the numbnut in charge of Communications, accidentally referred to you by name in that last email. I guess you chalked it up to a fancy algorithm or something, as if on top of this supposed “Marriage Pact” algorithm, we whipped up another one just for sending out emails. Outstandingly ridiculous. We couldn’t have picked a better subject if we tried.
So please understand that this is equal parts news—for what is the point of a prank if not the reveal?—and thank-you note. Thank you for taking the survey so seriously, pausing for a notable thirteen seconds on question five (didn’t think that would be the one to stump you, but you do you, boo). Thank you for opening every email we sent you, even reading the post-script for those bonus procrastination marks. Thank you for giving us that follow on Insta; that was so cute of you! And thank you for being a prankee that gained all our affection and stole our hearts, for what is more adorable than the gullible intellectual?
I have just one last thing to ask of you. Will you marry me?
