Recently, many students and faculty alike have commented on the significantly increased presence of security around campus. The officers seem far more golf cart-happy than before, and can frequently be seen zipping around the Row and Lilac Hill. Not only have they been making the rounds, but they’ve been taking home quite the bounty – items like coins, stray earring backs, and beautifully glazed empty bowls have been disappearing from porches and common areas. In fact, anything that catches the light is liable to vanish in a routine check. 

All this came to light, so to speak, when Hoppin House sank into the ground last Wednesday, finally collapsing under the weight of the treasure pile the officers had accumulated. When questioned about their collection, officers either remained silent, squawked, or muttered about precious items. The CSA security liaison could not be reached for comment. The items have now been returned to the houses they were missing from, which for farm house, means the restoration of nineteen of their twenty forks, and almost every resident’s esoteric thrifted jewelry collection (some of which are made of even more forks). The Carletonian gently suggests that any residents of that house still missing beloved bracelets retrace the steps of their most recent cycling trips.

The question still remained of what suddenly prompted security’s unfortunate kleptomanic phase. As their hoard was examined by temporary security officers, almost every item was sparkly. They had even managed to snag a stray button from one of President Byerly’s blingiest blazers. However, in interviews, officers were strange, looking around erratically and pecking at the table. 

Answers became more evident when the Carletonian literally got to the bottom of the pile of trinkets and discovered a curious piece of headgear machinery. One eagle-eyed reporter recognized it as the device from “Hoppers,” and from there, the conclusion that a murder of crows had mentally possessed every security agent was easy to reach. While there is no way to fix this yet that we are aware of, since “Hoppers” isn’t showing until later on tonight, students are being advised to look on the bright side. Crows can be incredibly loyal providers to humans who do tasks for them. Speaking momentarily from a personal note, I put out a bowl of water for my local security officer and have been rewarded with a beautiful coloured glass structure not unlike a vase with a large chamber at the bottom, which is really bringing the room together.