Carleton administration announced this morning that they would phase out the OneCard in favor of the perplexing new “TwoCards,” the latest attempt by President Byerly to “improve” existing systems. The announcement, which came from Dean Livingston on social media platform BlueSky, laid out a surprisingly complicated roadmap to implement the new system and give students not just one, but TwoCards.
Livingston’s announcement read, “I am grateful for all of the opportunities we have had to alter, for better and for worse, the lives of Carleton Students so far, and am excited to continue working for all of you. Over the last few weeks, we’ve realized that having just one card is just too stressful for everyone. That’s why we are implementing the new TwoCards, which will be rolled out in eleven phases over the next six and a half years. If all goes well, we should have TwoCards in the hands of all Geology, Philosophy and Music majors by next term. For everyone else, it will take a little longer.”
When asked to clarify the timeframe that she had implied, Livingston said “Listen, buster. It’s going to take some time. We need to print two cards for every student. That’s twice as many.”
As of press time, Carletonian investigators are still unsure what will make the TwoCards different from the OneCard. Functionally, they seem to be exactly the same, although sources report that one of the identical cards is not working at the LDC, and the other is failing in Burton. Surprisingly, this appears to be a feature, not a flaw, though there is no visible marker on the cards to distinguish them.
The Carleton community response has been mainly one of confusion. “What? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” said a befuddled sophomore, who asked to be anonymous. “Why on earth would they do that?”
Even faculty seem to be taken aback by the sudden change. One professor in the economics department, after being informed of the change, said, “Huh? They’re doing what? Has the demand increased?”
Despite the backlash, the administration has stood by their inexplicable decision, taking to Threads to clap back against dissenters, saying, “You people are always so ungrateful. Always asking for more, or in this case, more less. Don’t you see what we’re doing for you? Isn’t it obvious?”
Livingston said she feels hopeful and that she believes in the future, there may even be room for a third card.