After a chillier than usual winter term, Carleton administration has noted substantially increased traffic in certain indoor pathways, even those cutting through residential spaces. In particular, after reviewing security footage from last term, they have determined the importance of the ground and first Burton hallways as routes between different sections of campus. Whether it’s row-dwellers crawling out of their holes for class, or weak spirited CAMS majors who just can’t make the homestretch of the outdoor walk from the Weitz to Sayles, first Burton has been busier than usual. And at times such as the space between 1a and 2a, when traffic is highest, due to students leaving home for 2a, returning to bed after 1a, and of course, dining hall breakfast congestion, students have reported delays up to 8 minutes.

Administration felt they had no choice but to intervene, and have established a two lane traffic system in these two hallways of Burton. Fast and carpool lanes are also being added in both directions in the Anderson atrium – if you are caught walking in a group formation three or more people across outside of the carpool lane, you will be fined. These lanes, marked by small raised arrows on the ground, will be familiar to any students’ whose high schools returned to in-person teaching far too quickly after the initial outbreak of the COVD-19 pandemic.

This system, which was quickly implemented, has brought our current administration their highest approval ratings ever. In fact, typically there is not an approval rating – but 98% of Carls have voluntarily made public statements of admiration for the program. However, one nay-saying party pooper from the 2% did reach out to voice their criticisms.

Reluctantly, the Carletonian sat down with Afleet Un’Derclausman ‘29, who voiced this concern: “the traffic on first Burton moves too fast. It’s like when people complain about having a highway constructed through their backyard, but it’s right through the middle of my home! It’s really displacing me. The bathroom is across the hall from me, and there’s no over or underpass! I have to leave my room and travel Southbound, merge into oncoming traffic, then take the first exit to the lounge, where I have to do a loop, wait for the light, and then turn left again to finally be on the Northbound path towards the bathroom. And by the way, with everyone moving that fast, it’s super easy to miss the exit. But that’s not even the worst part! When I leave the bathroom, I have to get back on going north, right? Guess what. Unless there’s a natural gap in the flow and I can turn left and do a U-ie in the space under the Sevvy stairs, which there practically never is, I get driven right out of Burton. The other day I went to shower during 1a, and got caught up in the between-classes traffic when I left, and I ended up in the libe wearing my robe and shower shoes! And I didn’t even have my OneCard with me. When I tried to get back into Burton, I couldn’t start at the red light, and it caused a pretty big pileup. But it wasn’t my fault. I got written up for driving on the highway without my license, but this is what I’m saying. There should be a backroad alternative route from my room to my nearest bathroom. Or better yet, this college shouldn’t be so car-centric!”