When was the first time you learned about zodiac signs? From the newspaper telling you to “seize the day” or “just give up now?” From your friends in middle school who were convinced that your rising sign held every secret about your personality and thus unfriended you when they found out you were a Libra (not speaking from personal experience)? Wherever you heard about it, I’m sure you were told that your sun sign (the main one, if you aren’t too familiar with the wider web you are also assigned to) was based on what date you were born. For example, someone born on March 10 is labeled a Pisces, and a Dec. baby is labeled either a Sagittarius or a Capricorn. Well, I’m here to shift your perspective. The second you enter Carleton College and are placed into one of our various residential areas, the elusive astral plane recalibrates. Obviously, it’s difficult to access this new information if you’re not in touch with such high powers. But don’t worry, I’ve laid it all out for you below. 

For residents of Myers Hall (mental asylum-looking residential building next to LDC): you’re all Sagittariusses. You like to play your share of practical jokes, whether it be putting the outlets in the middle of walls, cutting off the elevator to the 4th floor, or introducing the concept of a dorm bathtub to hordes of freshmen. You are also on a constant quest for knowledge, especially whichever 2nd Myers resident in Calc 101 wrote all of the derivative rules on the wall. Really helps me remember that power rule. 

Musser Hall (rooms located in the other mental asylum building, though next to Burton): If you call Musser your home, you’re a Cancer. Don’t let yourself get beat up too easily. You may be sensitive, especially when accused of living in Musty Musser. But you’re tough on the inside – maybe from the mold. You also recently experienced a life-changing upgrade in your social status, so cling onto that! Now, everyone knows your name when they walk past you. Every Carls’ dream. 

Burton Hall residents (rooms above the inferior dining hall#bringbackthetriangletofu): you’re Libras. You know what’s going on, and you’re not afraid to share it. Everyone feels welcomed by you, especially Domino’s delivery drivers at 1:30 am on Saturday nights. 

Cassat Hall (no one needs a reminder that you live here): Hey Leos! I hate to say it, but Cassat residents, it’s time to take a moment to reflect on if you REALLY need to talk about the fact that your showers have doors. But you know who you are, and you’re proud of it. That’s a great quality to have when presented sparingly!

Goodhue Hall (rooms located in our most prized, exclusive dorm on campus): I promise I’m not just saying that you’re an Aquarius because you’re the odd one out. You have your own whole schtick, you’re a lone wolf. You don’t let others’ expectations define your values. You’ll proudly play celebrity smash or pass in the superlounge!

Evans Hall residents (rooms that get a free, live concert every Friday night): You’re Tauruses. The vibes will forever outweigh the practicality of any decision you make. Don’t worry, the fireplaces in your lounges are SUPER cool and artsy. 

I know not every dorm was represented in this list, but you’ll just have to wait for the sequel. Which may have to come out when the expert of dorm zodiac signs, myself of course, is a senior. So mark your calendars! Oct. 2027 is right around the corner!