This week, the sun has done a stunning job at luring Carleton students outdoors as they blissfully spilled out in hordes upon the benches, adirondacks, any flat-enough rocks and the grassy fields. And oh, what lush, seductive fields! For so long, our beloved namesake, the Bald Spot, has been a dependable, demure, dusty brown—soft on the eyes, if unyielding to the would-be picnic-er. 

But now, a strange new phenomenon has infected most of the Bald Spot, and authorities warn this bewildering transformation will progress significantly in the following weeks. Beyond the Bald Spot, similar alterations are occurring, dotting our campus that was once populated with reliably ochre grass. Now these pockets of inoffensive brown have been flooded with an unfamiliar material. Local experts are claiming this development is known in the scientific community as “green grass,” but such a foreign concept has been hard for students to grasp.

SHAC has recently received multiple cases of dizziness, incoherent speech and overall dazed appearance, with students attributing these symptoms to “Elphaba.” (The popular term utilized to refer to this mysterious “green grass” was chosen based upon the infamous Wicked Witch of the West, who shares this name and odd coloration.) Such vivid green has appeared to disarm even the most intellectual of students, as multiple members of the Carletonian community have been subject to the adverse effects of Elphaba. One source reported that it felt as if they had been transported to a different dimension, for such green and luscious grass could not exist in Minnesota! If current trends continue, reported an on-campus nurse, SHAC will not have the resources necessary to combat the onslaught of affected students. 

Current solutions include painting the Bald Spot back to its normal, lovely brown appearance or blindfolding students whenever they have to go outside. If you truly cannot resist Elphaba’s allurement, please exercise extreme caution!