Carleton College's student newspaper since 1877

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Carleton Premium™

Carleton has recently announced Carleton premiumTM, a new kind of College experience. Here are some of the elements of Carleton Premium:

◉ Edible Dining hall food
◉ Access to SHAC counselors more than once a term
◉ Sex
◉ The permission to swear on KRLX
◉ SWA dogs
◉ No Jay Levi
◉ Self-confidence
◉ Non-repetitive Bald Spot content
◉ Access to 1st Libe
◉ Premium member exclusive courses
◉ Earlier registration
◉ Intelligence
◉ Premium room draw numbers
◉ The Northfield option
◉ Prudence
◉ Gender neutral bathroom access
◉ Free Public Policy Minor
◉ People do your laundry for you
◉ Tenacity
◉ You’re allowed to talk about politics
◉ Fleet vehicles that can handle the snow
◉ Adaptability
◉ Bearable KRLX content
◉ Recreational Adderall
◉ The ability to unsubscribe from all email lists
◉ Athlete-free classes and dorms
◉ Diversity
◉ Easier comps
◉ Non-repetitive Bald Spot content
◉ Not be in Northfield
Placeholder for Frisbee
◉ Compassion
◉ Old Stalkernet
◉ Access to the Tunnels
◉ You get to go in the Arb at Night
◉ Permission to do Mescaline, Marijuanna, Methadone, Modafinol, Methamphetamine, methanol, Marlboros, Menopause, Mickey Mouse, Ketamine, etc.
◉ Exemption from oxford commas
◉ Serendipity
◉ 3-hour labs
◉ Moodle plus (Doesn’t crash during finals)
◉ Warmer weather
◉ De-iced walkways and sidewalks
◉ Sproncert backstage passes

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