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Stimulus Searchlight: What’s in our COVID-19 stimulus bill?

Hey there! How well do YOU know your COVID-19 stimulus bill? Let’s test your knowledge with a game of  Stimulus Searchlight! Below are ten provisions of H.R. 133, the Consolidated Appropriations Act of 2021. Some really are in the bill; some are not. Compare your answers with the key and…

Carleton nationally recognized for commitment to first-generation students

Last December, the Center for First-Generation Student Success named Carleton a First-Gen Forward institution, a distinction it now shares with 156 other colleges and universities in the nation.  The Center, a non-profit organization dedicated to “driving higher education innovation and advocacy for first-generation student success,” awards the title annually to…

US Government falls after nobody votes in presidential election

FiveThirtyEight forecasted that Joe Biden would win the presidency. Several mysterious pundits heralded a surprise Trump victory. Alas, no outlet, pundit, or model could have foretold the 2020 presidential election’s outcome.  At approximately 7:01 PM, every single state went gray after certifying their unanimous winner—no one. For the first time…

Amy Coney Barrett refuses to say whether she wants soup or salad

“You’re asking me to comment on a hypothetical, and I cannot characterize the facts in a hypothetical situation,” newly-confirmed Justice Amy Coney Barrett reportedly said to a waiter at a Washington, D.C. restaurant.  “Ma’am,” the waiter responded, “if you would like more information, our soup du jour is minestrone. You…

Breaking: Feds seize Hunter Biden’s DS

Mere days before millions of Americans go to cast their ballots in the 2020 presidential election, a new development threatens to shake up the race, as developments often do. FBI authorities recently seized an orange Nintendo DS thought to belong to longtime infant-consumer with satanic characteristics Hunter Biden. The device…

Life hack: five ways to use glue besides sticking things together

Everybody knows that glue can be used as an adhesive or to increase the altogether stickiness of any object or surface, excluding glue itself. In fact, attentive readers will note that in the word “glue,” the letters G, L, U, and E are particularly close together, almost as if they…

BREAKING: Audio of Trump Telling Melania He Has COVID-19

On the morning of October 2, 2020, President Donald Trump revealed to the nation that he had recently tested positive for COVID-19. The Bald Spot somehow managed to obtain exclusive audio footage of the President initially revealing the diagnosis to his wife, the First Lady. Read on for an excerpt…

Grades in a pandemic? Not so fresh, man

I’m a freshman. Perhaps aggressively so. I have never been to the Lower Arb. I’ve gotten lost in Anderson three times, two of which were on the same day. And I still find myself mystified by the vast breadth of pastries I see spread out before me at every mealtime.…

Carleton Puritans unveil “@CarlsRepress” Instagram account

The recently-launched @CarlsConfess Instagram page has granted Carleton students—and possibly some masquerading St. Olaf students—a pulpit from which to bare their best-kept secrets under the pretense of complete anonymity. In practice, this means that the internet now has access to a digital library of dubious collegiate sex stories set in…

OCS trip to Dundas gains popularity

Its population is 1,367. It was once the milling capital of a specific portion of the midwest. And now, a sudden surge of interest has reintroduced Dundas, Minnesota to the world—as Carleton students’ preferred off-campus study site.  “We are absolutely thrilled to see the storied burg of Dundas finally clinch…